Ever since I was 13, I've had varying cycles of depression. They used to be pretty mild, nothing to make me want to do anything irrational. But my depression reached an all time high three years ago when I was 16, and I seriously consider suicide every day for a long time. The only reason I'm still alive is because I was too afraid of the physical pain.
The reason why my depression spiked was because I had found out that my best friend never had any trust in me at all and that she never really cared about me.
I hated myself. I hated seeing myself in the mirror. I stopped caring about everything. My grades dropped. I hated church, God, the ridiculously giddy and happy people at church, but my parents wouldn't listen and made me go, they still do. I kept losing friends because I didn't have the energy anymore to reach out, to be around people.
This has been continuing for the past year. Things got a little better a few months ago, but now I'm back in the same rut. I gained all the weight back that I'd lost last year, I feel like a pig. I hate myself.
One of the biggest things I'm struggling with right now is looking ahead, seeing how things could get better. My dream is to be a pilot and I'm majoring in aerospace engineering But if you're familiar with the subject, you know how extremely difficult it is.
It's very heavy in physics and mathematics. One of the toughest things is that aerospace has a lot of theoretical concepts that must be understood at the quantum level. Because of the difficulty of conceptualizing these complex concepts many students have a lot of trouble. But I don't think I can do it, I never have any motivation to keep going.
I can't find an ounce of motivation within myself anymore, even to do the simplest of things. I can't take care of my body, I'm a poor student, I don't spend any time with friends. I've tried taking antidepressants, but they just made it worse. I've gone to a therapist, they didn't help at all. I've tried talking to my parents, they won't listen to me. I don't feel close enough to any friends to talk to them about it. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm sick of being a pessimist, always being depressed. I'm exhausted. I want to die, but I'm afraid of throwing away what I could possibly have someday. The "what if's" keep me here, but I'm starting to care less and less about those. I need to escape the pain. No one cares.
