I think I might actually be past the point of no return. I can't see a future anymore, and to be completely honest I don't think I want to. I know my reasons are stupid. There's nothing noble or pure about me. I'm selfish and greedy and weak above all. Happiness isn't waiting for me here. I've never belonged here. I have no passion for anything anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I don't want to lock myself into a career that will leave me feeling unfulfilled, especially if I add the fact that I have to put in so much unnecessary and pointless work just to get to that point. I'm tired of being nothing but a stepping stone to everyone that I care about, cast aside and placed on the back burner. What kills me the most is that I'm not okay with just helping them, and being there for them. It's like for all my acts of kindness I accept something in return and that sickens me. I don't want to be that person. Everyone, everywhere is going through their own problems. There's no reason they should have to cater to me as well. I've recently started praying but then it all came to an abrupt halt. I feel guilty asking for help, pleading and begging for things to go my way just this once. But why the hell should I be blessed with a "Yes" when there are so many more genuinely better people than me, who are going through more horrid experiences than I can ever imagine. I want so badly to be happy but I don't believe I deserve it. And honestly that happiness isn't mine to have. I can't expect someone to manifest feelings for me, over the person they probably are currently admiring. I can't expect a successful career path to magically come to me in my sleep. I can expect motivation to finish my studies to just well up in me. But I honestly need a miracle, but I don't believe the wicked deserve miracles. Especially when the good people can barely catch a break themselves. Like all of you. Of all of us here I'm probably the least willing to move forward if given the opportunity.
I'm stuck in my own stubbornness and faulty ideals and I'd rather waste away then change them. I'm rotten to my core. I want — no. I need to disappear. I feel alone, but that's foolish because I know I'm not alone, I know how many people are around me, I know how many would support me. But it seems like I don't want the support. I want my own selfish desires to be fulfilled and like a spoiled brat I want to throw in the towel because I can't get what I want, ever. I can't off myself because I know people will cry, I know people will hurt. I'm not important at all but I know people will hurt and cry and regret and blame. But these feelings are overwhelming and I can't do anything about it anymore. I can't ask for help. I don't know if it's pride, or fear, or just because I know deep down what I want, and think I need, and I just won't accept an alternative answer. I'm 19 years old and still a stupid child. It's been almost a decade now but I'm finally at my breaking point. This weekend might be it. I'm too powerless to realize my own dreams. It's out of my hands and I don't want a future that's synthesized by something else.
Do I deserve to pray? When I already know the answer, why do I keep asking. I want to sleep tonight and never wake up. Even more than that I want to wake up with a good family, a forward moving job, But instead I'll wake up in 3 hours with stained eyes. A heavy chest. And existential dread. Dread, and dread, and dread and trudge through until the day ends. And then I wake up and do it all over again.
It will never end unless I do something. Abandon my dreams, or abandon my life. Maybe the answer is obvious. Logic over emotion. But I know myself. Even if I manage to get past this, it will happen again, and stronger than this time. And if I get past that it'll be even stronger. I can barely fight this as it is. How am I supposed to keep going? I don't have the stamina, or will, or whatever you want to call it for this. I feel ashamed for how I feel. I feel guilty. I feel wrong. I feel broken. The worst part is I know that no one can help me. The little hope that I've tried so desperately never to have is about to completely wither away. The last tiny flame keeping myself together. It's about to be blown out, and I can't stop it.
A/N:
I'm sorry if you guys don't like what I'm writing. I know it's morbid and wrong but I need to be able to let it out, rather than keeping it to myself. I learned a long time ago if I just keep everything to myself, I'm going to self destruct and it's not healthy. If you guys want to talk about anything, I'm here for you. I love you all so much.
- Hazelle
