Regret (Squip x Jeremy)

11. Squip has Left the Tree House

-Squip-

I never used to cry. Now I think I've used up everything within my reservoir. The look on Jeremy's face in class today. I bury my face into the pillow Evan had given me, curling up into a small ball on his couch, soaking the fabric. My hand itches to send a well aimed punch to Al's jaw, or better yet shove my fist down their throat and they can see how it feels!

I want to find jumper cables, stick them each to their polarized inner circuits and stick the opposite end into a lake. In middle of a raging lightning storm. I long to shove a bottle of Mountain Dew Red up Al's ass.

My vision goes from tinted blue to red as I shake with anger. Al deserves to die.

Jeremy must believe I don't love him anymore!

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love him more than anything. I love him so much. Doesn't he understand that? I'm doing it so Al won't hurt him. Because I love his stupid dumbass face. His silly grin and geeky references, his stupid striped shirt and blue cardigan that he wore way to often, (honestly doesn't he do laundry?) I want to kiss him, not Al!

I would beg him, yes even beg him. Me, Squip, Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, would beg Jeremy, the love of my fucked up life, to take me back, because I love him so damn much.

I have only just earned his forgiveness for all I did to him, now I went back like a lying, cheating snake. I don't want to be that snake anymore. I just want to be Jeremy's. Jeremy's Squip.

My thoughts return to Mountain Dew Red. Maybe, instead of shoving it down Al's throat needs down their ass, I'll drink an entire bottle. Michael would probably give it to me gladly. Then my misery could end.

Everything could end.

I feel a weight sink the couch down and look up to see Evan sitting next to me; Connor stands by the side little TV, rolling something between his fingers. He gives Evan a look which Evan returns. This only makes me let out another sob. I'll never get that. I'll never get that boyfriend who can convey an entire message with one glance. What do I get? I get to be a useless sex toy, an experiment, for Al.

A Squip like them doesn't require sex. A Squip like them wants to dissect every inch of my brain so they can learn what makes me tick before stitching me back together in the most gruesome way possible. They waited patiently to get their revenge upon me, and now I get to be a part of this stupid Project. But the Project isn't for the SQUIP company. No, this is Al's project now.

And that's all I'll ever have to look forward to now. Being a toy.

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "Thank you for everything but, I think I should go. I have some things to take care of."

Evan nods, "We'll always give you a place here, if, if things get bad you can always come back. We also need to hang out too."

Connor snorts, "His idea of 'hanging out' is going on a hike and looking at trees while not saying a single word."

Evan shrugs, gives me a smile, one that I cannot return. So I just hug him, giving Connor (who looks terrified at the prospect of me hugging him) a fist bump.

I think it should hurt to leave, but a numbness has settled over me. Not the numbness I used to live in, like a content feeling; this is a dark numbness - a consuming numbness.

It hurt, the way Evan had said "we" so comfortably, because "I" has become "we" and they know that they are in love, and they don't have to worry about not being together. Because they are"we," they are together.

They are one now.

They are happy.

I end up at standing outside Michael's house. I don't know why exactly, my limbs act upon their own volition. Maybe I want that Mountain Dew Red so I can finally end the misery. The never ending isolation of simply existing.