The fact is no rational thought I have to be on my own. It will be what I was told to say. If I say for example: "Life is worth living", that is other people saying that. I don't think that, I think life and some people are terrible, and no one should of been born in this ball of hell.
It's been 11 years now,
I've been fighting with my mental illness for 11 years. During some periods, times have been somewhat easier to get through than others.
On my "good" days it's hardly manageable, but just getting the minimum amount done, like going to school, is considered a success.
But when it's bad it's crippling.
I haven't had a "good" day in about 2 years, I'm really tired.
In the past I used to sleep for extended periods of time to escape my mind, but now I can't seem to manage more than 3 hours of sleep a night.
The silence encourages my darkest thoughts to become the loudest they've ever been.
For awhile I was able to ignore them, distract myself and try to avoid falling into the hole that I can never seem to get out of, but I can see now it has only made it worse.
Now the thoughts are more aggressive and more real than they've ever been, and I can't shut it out anymore because I just don't have it in me to do so, I'm really just tired.
My depression has made me feel a new type of pain, one that is physical and one that I never knew could come from a mental illness. My whole body hurts, it's not just in my head anymore, it's in my entire being.
I don't want to kill myself, I just want to disappear, go to sleep and never wake up.
I want my existence to be forgotten.
Even though I'm alive I am nowhere near living, I'm just here, existing.
If there is no purpose in my life, and these thoughts are constantly tormenting me, I can't seem to find a point to continue a life on this earth.
But here I am, still alive because like I said, I really don't have it in me to kill myself, I just really want to die.
These words may not make sense to most, hell I don't even think they make sense to me, but it's what I feel, and that's all I know.
The person I am, the thoughts that I have, really make me hate myself.
I hate who I've become.
There is no emotions left in me, I'm numb, I'm unsympathetic to anything or anyone around me. I don't cry, I don't get angry, I just feel nothing.
I know I'm selfish, I don't care about anyone around me, especially myself,
simply because I don't have the energy to do so. The only feeling that is prominent is my self-hatred
I haven't looked at myself in the mirror because the reflexion staring back disgusts me. Thinking about my life, myself, where I am and who I am, makes me sick to my stomach.
I have been fighting a losing battle for awhile now, the medication, the therapy, everything I have tried to do, have all failed me. And I'm really just tired.
••••••
A/N:
to all my readers:
I see you.
I feel you.
all of you, near and far.
overwhelmed.
humbled.
grateful,
counting blessings twice.
pulse, heartbeat. same as you.
no pedestals, please.
I need room for human error.
I love you.
thank you.
stay beautiful.
- Hazelle
