Come back home

/This was written from my account on Archive of Our Own, it goes deeper into Malecs feelings after the break up in 2x18-2x20, hope you like it/

Having Magnus in his life was like breathing air for Alexander, he had gotten so used to the mans presence, the idea of him belonging within his heart that he had forgotten what it felt like to not have that. Along with his insecurities and innocence within their relationship one of the ideas he hadn’t thought of was what Magnus’ back would look like when suddenly he was at his lowest.

He had fallen so fast and hard for the warlock almost unknowingly and often, he had thoughts the man would realize how young and unneeded he was, still he never thought he would be afraid until just moments ago.

It had been his first relationship and so he was unfamiliar with how they worked except from looking at his siblings, both whom he would rather not compare such things to. He was not ready nor expecting his small mistake to cause the man he loved to walk away with his heart possibly never to return it. Izzy had always told him that Shadowhunter’s loved once and hard, much like Mundanes, his love for Magnus was it for him. Magnus will and would be his one and only, and Alec had loved the idea of being in love because the feelings of high he got when he was with the man.

Now he stood still, staring at the elevator door that had been closed for over a minute almost like he was hoping Magnus would walk back to him and forget the whole thing. The longer he spent staring the more he realized that the warlock wasn’t coming back. “Alec? We need you to- what happened?” Isabelle stood a few feet away from her brother and looked to him with concern. She had known him well enough to see when Alec was upset or hurting, now she could see the pain in not only his face but by the way he stood.

Alec looked back swallowing a big lump in his throat before opening his mouth and then closing it, looking away. His breath got a little heavy and he felt his eyes burning, this was where he needed to escape. He couldn’t show, Izzy especially, how weak he was at the moment and he was sure from the pain in his heart, straining their Parabatai bond, that Jace would be coming to find him soon as well.

“I’m fine.” Alec said roughly before turning to walk down the hall, past his sister, who stayed still knowing full well that Alec would not share.

The second Alec got back to his room the man felt his tears finally begin to fall down his face. It was strange, he had never been the kind of man to cry, wasn’t easily shaken with the need to cry and instead bottle it up. Once he had begun crying though, he couldn’t stop as if he had finally broken from all of the expectations, all the years of struggle within his life and the dread of the way he felt. He had definitely felt like he had deserved bad doings but not such like this, this was a new feeling of self-hate, one that he knew would destroy him. Alec welcomed it with open arms.

Alec fell onto his bed and literally cried his heart onto his bed sheets, ones he hadn’t laid on for a full night since Magnus and he had finally taken the next step in their relationship.

Several moments passed with nothing but the silence and his raw sobs before there was a loud knock at the door. “Alec?”

The soft voice had usually been annoying but strangely it sounded comforting and it made him snap up in his bed, his tears still flowing down his face and a loud sound erupted from his throat. If anyone within the institute could understand his pain, it would be her, her mundane ways had always been softer compared to the Claves.