I'm a 19 year old girl, and I'm still alive. I suppose I should start off with the positives.
I don't have the energy to do any work at home, and at college I can't concentrate and just keep having to go to the restroom and cry. I'm going to fail at college. I've accepted that, and for the moment I'm just trying to concentrate on staying alive. I've told a few people that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and they all seem to accept the "was," but it's not that simple. I'm fighting every day, but I'm running out of energy to.
I'm trying to think of what to say to my family without crying. I cry nearly all the time when I'm not with people, because I don't like people seeing me cry, but people keep catching me. I'm sick of having to explain why, and I'm sick of living like this. Crying for a bit then coming back out helps more than having to explain everything to someone.
It feels like I'm in a swimming pool that I can't get out of, and It's tiring and I keep going under. I want to be able to go a day without crying, or wanting to hurt or kill myself.
So I was searching for methods of suicide today, and I couldn't find any quick or painless ones. Believe me, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to stop being depressed. I want to stop being permanently depressing and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Before someone says this, my mom and stepdad know I'm depressed. They don't know I'm suicidal, but they know I'm feeling "a bit under the weather". My stepdad is one of those who thinks the solution would be to keep me in my room until I finish all my work, because he thinks that's the problem. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time and not run in front of cars, but it's so hard.
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A/N:
I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I just don't know what to do, and I figured if I'm looking for people who do know, this would be the place. If you've taken the time to read all this, thank you.
- Hazelle
