All my life people always tell me that I am so strong. But I'm not. I'm not strong at all. I've just been through a lot of things and I'm still here. Just because I'm a survivor doesn't mean I'm strong. People always tell me that I can handle anything, that I'm "superhuman." It's stupid... No one is superhuman. Just because I've gone through things and keep on going doesn't mean I'm strong. It means I don't look back. I just keep moving forward, but sometimes I question why. Why should I move forward? For what purpose?
I always feel alone. I guess because no one understands me. I feel like I have to be this person for everyone. I have to be strong and happy all the time. But I'm not. I'm not happy and I'm not strong. All my life, since I was very young my family has told me to be strong. "Be strong, don't cry, don't fail." But it's hard. I always feel like a failure, because I'm always struggling in one way or another. Honestly, I just wish everyone would leave. It would be easier for me. No one would care and things would be easier. I don't know what to do. I've talked to my parents about it and they just judge me. They think I need to diet or exercise more... so then I can feel pretty and not sad. It's stupid advice. They have always given me stupid advice...
I don't know if I can go on like this... It gets harder every day and each day I just want to disappear. Sometimes when I'm driving, I close my eyes. I do this when no one is around me. I don't want to hurt anyone. So I close my eyes and step on the peddle. I have done this a few times. A few seconds at first. But now it's a few minutes. The twisted thing is that it makes me feel better. I feel like I'm in control and out of control. I feel like if it's meant to be, then just be.... I know it's selfish, and maybe that's why it feels so good. I just want my pain to end. I feel like that's who I am now, the pain. I'm not sure who I used to be anymore. I pretend so much for everyone, my coworkers, my family, I feel like a phony. I pretend to be happy and pleasant, but I'm not. That's not me. Anytime I try to be me, everyone just judges me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to be or who I am supposed to be? I try to be what everyone wants because who I really am, no one wants...
Who would want a weakling like me in their lives? No one likes a weak link. So I guess I'll keep going until I can't go anymore. Or until the pain consumes me completely. Whichever comes first.
