Saviors [A SVU and Bensler Fan Fic]

[Chapter Thirty-Five]

I walked back into the library, and I found a seat on the second level. I opened one of my books and started to reread what I had read earlier this night, but it is different now because I wasn't understanding what I had understood earlier because all I could think about was Elliot asking me to forget what Serena did to me, and forgiving her for beating me and treating me like shit.

I didn't want to do anything but sleep, but since I was in the library, I at least wanted to try and use my time to study before my huge test tomorrow. And I ended up just staring at the book until I fell asleep.

I woke up when someone slammed their books down on my table. I sat up quickly and saw Cynthia standing there.

"Cy?" I asked, and she frowned as she sank down in front of me.

"Why did you leave last night?" She asked, and I sighed.

"You didn't even see me last night. How do you know I left?" I questioned, and she rolled her eyes.

"Elliot told me. He said you were crying and left. So why did you leave? Was it because I was spending time with Serena?" Cynthia asked, and I shook my head.

"No, I'm just stressed out over school and stuff. Elliot just said something, and it pushed me over the edge. But I'm good now. I have to go and take a test in about an hour." I spoke, as I looked away from my sister and found a clock on the wall of the library.

"I brought breakfast, want some?" She asked, and I shook my head.

"No, I'm good. Thanks though. Uh, how was your talk with Serena?" I questioned, and she smiled a bit.

"Good, well great actually." She spoke, as she smiled more.

"Yeah? Do you two get along?" I asked, and Cynthia nodded. 

"She's amazing, Liv. I just don't know what happened when you were younger." She frowned, and I sighed.

"I was what happened. She was stuck with me because she didn't know there was another baby. But I'm happy that you two are getting along and can have a relationship. I'm gonna head out and study some more, so enjoy my table." I spoke, as I started to pack up my books so I could leave. I wanted Cynthia to be happy, and even if that meant I had to bottle my feelings up.

[*]

After passing my test, I headed home to shower. At night, the library turns the heat on and I got a little warm while I was sleeping and studying, so a shower was very much needed.

So after my shower and eating something for the first time since breakfast yesterday, I went into the basement and stopped at the bottom of the stairs when I saw several of the items from my old room laying on Cynthia's bed. I am guessing that Serena brought them to give to her because it was supposed to be her room, her life. 

I walked slowly over to my bed, and I sat down on the edge, as I reached out and grabbed a small dirty stuffed bear. I ran my fingers over it's torn ears and let out a sigh. I can still remember the Christmas Serena got it for me. We had no tree, there were no lights, but when I woke up there was one present on the coffee table. My mother was high and drunk and was sleeping on the couch. The first thing I did was see if she was breathing, before quietly going and grabbing the garbage can because I knew she was going to be sick.

But then I just sat and stared at the gift. At only 5, I had never had a Christmas before. I was too busy taking care of my mother when she was high or drunk or both. I went through the motions of making gifts for her in my class, but I would leave them at school and they'd be thrown away.

When Serena woke up, I could see that her eyes were all bloodshot and her pupils were dilated. But once she realized I was sitting and looking at the poorly wrapped present, she smiled. She sat up and pushed the gift towards me. I can even remember what she said.

"This is for you being a good girl this year."

I knew that I'm an adult and that I'm getting married at the beginning of next year, but this is my bear. This is the only thing my mother ever gave me. All of the small toys that I found in my room when I went to talk to Serena were ones that were left at school in the lost and found, or donated to a church I ran to when Serena was really bad.

Serena is my mom too, even if she wishes she never was.

[*]

Cynthia grew closer to Serena than I could ever be. She was always with her, and even moved out and moved into Serena's apartment with her a month after they met. And knowing that I didn't even have a chance to be apart of their lives hurt because I'm just as much Serena's daughter as Cynthia is.

So even though I wanted Cynthia to be my maid of honor for my wedding, and when I asked if she still wanted to and she said she did, she didn't even bother to show up when I was looking at wedding dresses. Only Bernie, and Elliot's sisters, Louisa and Josephine did.

"What style do you like more?" Bernie asked as we looked through the racks upon racks of dresses in search of the perfect one that was in my price range.

"I feel like I'll be swallowed by a ball gown, but I feel like I don't have a feminine enough of a figure for a form-fitting one." I sighed, and Louisa came up and nudged me with her elbow.

"Why don't you just wear pants?" She smirked, as she pointed at her mother, who's facial expression changed at just the thought of me wearing pants to my own wedding.

"Not going to happen!" She exclaimed, and I laughed a bit, as I walked towards Josephine. She and I started to push some dresses aside, as my phone started to ring in my pocket.

I pulled it out and flipped it open as I put it to my ear. I continued to look through the dresses as I spoke.

"Hello?" I questioned.

"Liv, do you have my ice skates?" Cynthia asked, and I closed my eyes tightly because I wanted to scream. She could go ice skating, but she couldn't come to help me pick up my wedding dress?

"I don't know. I'm not a home."

"Well, where are you then?" She spoke, annoyed. I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek, as I opened my eyes.

"I'm looking for wedding dresses, Cynthia. Serena and you were supposed to be here to help, but now you want to go ice skating. Just rent some." I sighed, before hanging up my phone.

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