It's sad how you want people to understand you however in reality no one will ever understand you fully. Maybe partially however no one will know your own story except you. Which leaves a hole inside of me.
I don't know whether I'm the only one thinking this.
I was thinking one of the many reasons I want to die was because I don't want to live with the pain that someone who I love with all my heart dies before me. That I will have to be breathing, living knowing that someone I love has died. I feel like that neverending loss I probably can't... continue on with living.
I think now I need to keep fighting. I don't even know what I'm fighting for...
My mom told me to go drown about a year ago. The thought stuck in my mind and it really just can't be erased or ignored to the point that I actually considered it. She doesn't love me. It's obvious. I'm pointless. Pointless to the point of my own mother wanting me dead. I decided to be numb and quiet. Recently, she said that if I would kill myself she wouldn't care. She shamed me in front of everyone and cursed at me. I know that I can't bear this anymore. I tried to get help from my therapist but she told me that everyone experiences anxiety and depression. She said that I wanted attention. I don't. If I wanted attention I would have made a big deal out of everything, but I didn't, and I kept it to myself until I was given the chance to reach out. So you know what? I'm done. I give up. Nobody's willing to help me.
