The Acrimony Anomaly [Naruto Fanfic]

Stalked... Call the Pedo-Police

     It finally clicked in Tsubaki's brain after a bit of thinking. Naruto was Hashirama's reincarnation. It fit so perfectly that she questioned why she didn't realize any sooner. No wonder the female Uchiha felt so drawn to the boy. Now then... I just need some of his DNA.

     Of course, she wanted to awaken the Rinnegan as soon as possible, but also didn't want to bite off a bunch of the Uzumaki's flesh. Hair. I'll just use some hair... And blood. Definitely didn't steal a syringe from the hospital. Definitely.

    So, in the accordance to the Uchiha's way of wanting to gain power. She asked to go to the Kyuubi container's home, and oh boy was he excited.

     When the female Uchiha walked through the door, she was met with a complete mess. One that would make people that don't have OCD get it. It was seriously that bad. Naruto Uzumaki's apartment was comparable to a trash bag. And it ain't a Gucci one either.

     "Here's my humble abode, dattebayo!" the blonde grinned,"It's a bit messy, but it works."

     The onyx eyed girl deadpanned," 'A bit messy' is the understatement of two lifetimes. This place to be revamped and refurbished my young Padawan. Now, grab your lightsaber and let's battle what diseases may be lurking in here."

    He grumbled back while grabbing a broom,"You didn't have to be that harsh. There isn't any diseases here, dattebayo!"

     "Says the person that has never been sick before. You just happen to have a really, really good immune system." Tsubaki went through the motions of moving furniture, taking out garbage, cleaning dishes, and even washing the walls and floor. Hashi's reincarnation, on the other hand, was sent to clean the bathroom, wash windows, clean the fridge, and do laundry. In three hours, they were finished.

     "I didn't ask to clean, dattebayo!" he whined, his verbal tick becoming even more pronounced in the sentence. Then. A lump under his sweatshirt. Moved.

     "What is under your sweatshirt, Naruto-kun?" she asked with a sickly sweet tone that caused his Adam's apple to move.

     "N-nothing, dattebayo!" he stuttered out,"You're just seeing things!"

     He tried to move away before Sasuke's twin pounced upon him, pulling out what had been horribly hidden. It was average size for its race and had brown fur, beady brown eyes, sharp buckteeth, four scampering, pink paws, and a pink tail.  "IT'S A FUCKING RAT, NARUTO."

     "W-well, I was thinking of keeping him as a pet. He just appeared in my house one day and I decided to be friends with him."

     Cue a facepalm. "... Naruto... So what is his name?"

     He sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck,"You see, I couldn't figure one out, dattebayo."

     "Hashirama."

     "What?"

    "I named him. His name is Hashirama, after the first Hokage. Don't question it."

    And he didn't. After all, he learned not to question whatever came out of her mouth, no matter how strange of an ordeal it was. "Well, Hashirama it is... So what did you want to see me for?"

    "I need some of your blood and hair."

     ".... EHHHHH!?!?"

------****------

    In the end, she achieved in gaining all those things through force... And blackmailing. So, she just injected the blood into herself and casually munched on some freshly washed hairs. It was perfectly normal. Rinnegan is almost in my grasp!

     Suddenly, Tsubaki felt presences behind her and took a sharp turn into Ichiraku Ramen. Hopefully the Anbu wouldn't decide to take her when other people were around. "Oji-san! One Tonkatsu ramen with extra pork!"

     "Coming right up!"

     A sigh escaped her when the presence went away. Looks like they gave up.

     When the hefty bowl was set in front of her, someone decided to sit on the stool next to her, Kakashi Hatake. She didn't trust him completely, but he gave off no negative gut-feeling, so he was alright. "Kon'nichiwa, Hatake-san."

    He sent her a close eyed smile and said,"Hello, Tsubaki-chan."

    The silverette went on and ordered some tea... And that was it. So he's information grabbing, huh? I would expect no less from the Hokage.

     So, the jet-black haired 6 year old asked,"If the Uchihas were to have a Coup, so to say, what are the reasons why they wouldn't win? I'm not saying that it will happen, but it's just a question."

     His eyes widened slightly, revealing a bit of his true nature before slipping back into his 'Comfortable Act.' "What do you think, Tsubaki-chan?"

    Instead, she huffed back innocently,"I'm only 6 years old, how would I know anything? If I did, why would I be asking?"

    All of a sudden, a presence appeared out of nowhere. It was just there. Instantly, she turned around, eyes narrowed, looking at all possible places until they landed on plain air. "Hatake-san... Is there some sort of Occulation jutsu out there?"

     "Yes-."

     "And does it happen to be that the current Hokage has sent you to lure me into a false sense of security and spill on whether or not I'm an ally or enemy to this village since my Nii-san reported that I knew some things? And it just so happens that the current Hokage can use this occulation jutsu? ... If you wanted to know, you should've asked me upfront. I don't like liars."

     His expression turned from shock into one of chuckles. "Your brother did say that you would probably figure it out. He said that you were a prod-."

    "Don't use that word to describe me. As of now, I am Tsubaki, a lowly female in the Uchiha Clan. That is how I will remain to be for now... Now, if the Hokage wants a visit, he can get it. Actually, wait, we can resolve this conflict right here."

    Cupping her hands around her mouth, Tsubaki yelled as loud as she possibly could,"MY DAD IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT SHOULD ROT IN HELL!"

    Sitting down, the Uchiha ignored the earraped men and went back to eating her ramen. "OhmahKami... This ramen is the bomb."

     The Hokage chuckled a bit at the fiery girl's declaration of Fugaku dying in the pits of Hell. I guess I was wrong to consider her a threat to the village, but...

     His orb turned to the Anbu that had been tracking her. What is Danzo up to?

    Tsubaki snorted a bit and muttered through slurps,"Fucking stalker Anbu -slurp- We don't need the Uchiha Police Force -slurp- We need the Pedo-Police."

    Kakashi could only sweatdrop at this. No wonder she can keep up with the eccentric people, such as Gai. She is one herself.