Losing Control

Day One

The knock at the door signalled his arrival. I ran another hand through my messy hair, glancing once more at my computer screen before pushing it away and standing. I took a deep breath and pushed a smile through my lips and opened the door, forcing excitement to my eyes.

"Hey!-" I went towards him, but he put a hand out, pushing me back. My smile faded and I swallowed, a hollow feeling blooming in my gut.

"Can I come in?" His eyes looked unsure, and his voice wavered. I nodded and stepped aside. He leaned against the wall next to the closed door, and I leaned against the edge of the couch across from him, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. I knew what it was. He didn't have to say it. I knew this was coming.

"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" I asked in a quiet, subdued voice. He nodded, hands in his pockets. I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. "Why?" My voice was so little, so far away.

"I-" He stuttered, not sure what words to use. "I'm just not-romantic-"

"What? You're not romantic? I know that," I said, a small hope blooming in my chest. That never bothered me. We could fix that.

"No, I-" The sinking feeling caved my chest in a little more. "I'm not IN love with you anymore."

I felt the words hit me, but they didn't hurt. My body felt hollow, empty. I had suspected this for three weeks now. Three weeks since I moved out. I only guessed it two months ago when he told me to move out. The unnerving feeling only grew as the weeks after my move out passed. And here it is, in front of me. After all of his promises that he still loved me, that nothing would change.

"Like I love you, but it's just not the same."

He was talking to a husk. This isn't the first time I've been like this. Guess it's my coping mechanism. Caving into myself and shutting people out. But him...he had stayed up nights with me crying, coaxing me to open up because he would never leave. As he promised.

Just like everyone promises.

"Can I sit?" I nodded, and motioned towards the couch, moving my stuff out of the way.

The tension was palpable between us as we sat, and I stared at the mantle across from him, half turned but not looking towards him. I pulled my knees up to my chest and fiddled with my nails, then stopped. It was habit only he had ever noticed, and had previously pointed out. I didn't want him to know what it was doing to me.

"I guess I have to thank you," my voice croaked but I laughed bitterly.

"For what?"

"You showed me how relationships should really be like." Why wasn't I fighting him on it more? Why wasn't I begging him to work it out? Why am I so subdued and just letting this happen? I sniffed, feeling the tears prick my eyes.

"I realized last night that I didn't love you anymore, it just hit me. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"I don't want to lose you from my life completely." My chest sank a little more, already knowing what he would say. "I would like to still be friends."

"I don't think I could be friends with you, and watch you be with someone else."

"I'm not going to date anyone for awhile, I promise that."

But your promises aren't good to me anymore. And don't you get it?! I can't look at you. It's not just about seeing you with someone else. It's about watching you laugh and smile like you do, without a care in the world, and me sitting there thinking about when you smiled for me, when we were together. It's about me only being able to think about what we had every time I'd see you. But you don't get that do you? Because you no longer feel anything, and you wouldn't be thinking the same things seeing me...