i let you fuck me into the mattress
i let you completely flatten me against it
because sex is sex and that's a reason in itself
and i can pretend that there is no alternative reason
no deep seeded issues
just me
and after i've finished using you for my own selfish reasons
and you've finished using me for yours
i lie next to you
not close enough for it to be too intimate or to seem loving
not far enough for it to be seen as cold;
as cold as the reality we're hiding from that's waiting outside these walls and lingering just out of the way of this bed
or as cold as life has made you-
to lie like ice or bedrock besides me
i'm just close enough for everything to seem okay and "normal" but that's something else in itself
so i'm next to you- a statue-
a cigarette hangs from your lips
and i bum a smoke so i don't have to leave yet because in your bed i pretend to be someone who is different to who i pretend to be outside of it and it's refreshing
so i'm facing the sky
i'm not quite looking at it because it's a painful reminder
because the sky is infinite and i am not
because the sky is endless but i always end up here
i'm not looking at the sky but i'm facing it
the smoke drifts up;
i never smoke unless i'm with you
it curls itself into clouds and i pretend to see shapes
flowers
rabbits
hearts
ironic that they all represent life and love and feeling but i digress
but then the smoke from your cigarette drifts towards mine ;
i've never asked what you see
i'm sorry
but selfish is what we do
anyway back to the smoke
the tufts swirl and coil and twist together like our bodies earlier in the night
they curl into each other and then drift to nothing
take from that what you will
i'm still searching
finally i finish and have no reason to stay
what a shame
it's much easier to pretend i'm not lonely in your company
but i don't want to outstay my welcome because it's not part of the script and i'm nothing if not a conformist
so i put my clothes back on and shrug my bag on my shoulder
i have no heartfelt words which are permitted so i bite back my words and tame my bleeding heart and leave with a non committed "see you later"
even though we both know i'll be back
because i love it when you fuck me into the mattress
hard enough to forget your problems because at least then i'm being somewhat useful to someone
and i love it because it's something to do
and i love it because it's hard to feel empty when i'm full;
even if i'm incapable of filling myself and need someone to be my missing piece
and even though i know it's not love,
when i'm fucking you i can pretend it is
and i love it because each time i get smaller and smaller and the mattress swallows me bit by bit and maybe one day i'll get so small i'll disappear and be lost forever
