surrender // sastiel

chapter 1/1

Sam panted heavily and bit back screams as Lucifer broke his fingers one by one. Considering all he had been through, today was an easy day. So even as Lucifer moved on to slicing up his arms and peeling back skin, Sam was still only grunting.

"Hey, Sam, what day are we on? Or maybe century would be easier to remember," Lucifer smirked. Sam ignored him and tried to think of Cas and Dean, even though that often prompted Lucifer to switch faces. Sometimes when he was Cas, he would convince Sam he had gotten out, and Sam would take a deep breath, and just be with Cas (Lucifer, he reminded himself, and flinched). Then Cas' beautiful eyes would suddenly twist into red and then Lucifer would be in front of him, Lucifer would have his cold, chapped lips pressed against Sam and Sam would startle horribly, sobbing, feeling more than violated. He could feel Lucifer's bitter, burning coldness inside him.

"Oh, do you want to do that now, Sam?" Lucifer contemplated Sam's thoughts and grinned. Fuck, Sam thought. He almost laughed at his choice of curse. But no no no no. Sam couldn't do that again. But Lucifer's face suddenly started twisting grotesquely, and then all he could see was Cas, coming towards him, snapping his fingers so Sam was only in his boxers. This was the only thing that came close to truly breaking Sam, leaving him a heaving, sobbing mess.

"Saaam," Not-Cas pulled back and looked at Sam with a lascivious wink. "Sammy... Sam? Sam!"

Sam shot up in bed gasping, heart pounding wildly. Suddenly Cas' face was in full view, big blue eyes full of concern, lips forming 'Sam', but Sam was too far gone to hear him. Sam yelped, scrambling away until he fell off the bed, hitting his head on the corner of the night table and groaning.

"Sam? You're out, Sam. Here with me, with Dean. It's me, baby." Cas slid off the bed and padded cautiously over to Sam, who was still in the midst of a panic attack. Cas reached out, and while Sam flinched, he didn't do anything else. Cas took this as an invitation to help Sam up and back into bed.

"...I'm out?" Sam mumbled, still breathing fast and heavy

"Yes, kiddo, you're out. I'm here, Dean's here." Cas stroked Sam's hair, and planted a chaste kiss to his head. Cas continued to pepper kisses to Sam's head and neck. Sam let out a deep breath and loosened his painful grip on Cas' hand, going limp and instead turning to face him.

" 'M so sorry, Cas. Fuck, I shoulda-"

"Stop with that. There is nothing to be sorry for. You saved the world jumping in Hell, and you were there with Lucifer and Michael. You're the strongest man I know, and I've been alive for thousands of years." Cas stated. Sam smiled sadly and slowly pressed his lips to Cas'. Cas smiled into the kiss, and ran his hands through Sam's hair as he did so. His hands trailed down Sam's body, but as they neared his hips Sam flinched violently and gasped. Cas pulled away quickly, reaching for Sam, but he curled in on himself, whimpering.

"Baby, what's wrong? Sam? I'm sorry, what did I do?" Cas floundered. Sam suddenly realized he was whimpering and stopped immediately. Like a child, he thought and unraveled himself to see Cas mumbling 'sorry' and 'I love you' and Sam cursed himself for doing this to his angel.

"Cas?" He fought to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm sorry, it's me. I just- Lucifer... I just can't-." Sam was beyond embarrassed. But Cas only looked with surprise and concern.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you have nothing to apologize for? I'm sorry, Sam." Cas slowly put his hand on the back of Sam's neck and traced circles with his thumb. He had seen Dean do it many times whenever Sam was injured or had had a nightmare. It seemed to help, as Sam relaxed and moved into Cas' arms and let out a sob. Cas' heart broke, and he started whispering 'I love you' s into Sam's ear and giving soft kisses to his cheek, sending small amounts of his grace into Sam in waves, his hands ghosting around his face. Sam finally went limp, and snuggled into Cas despite his larger frame.

"M s'rry baby," He slurred tiredly, breaths becoming more even as he fell into a more peaceful sleep.

"There's no need to be, Sam." Cas whispered, settling in and falling asleep with Sam tucked into him, giving one last "I love you" and receiving it back, barely understandable, from his Sam.