"I'm technically a walking time-bomb waiting to explode. Not the kind that kills people. The kind that destroys nothing but themselves."
A journey in which she searches for who she could be. Pretends to be who she is and isn't.
"I'm a manifestation...
Depression is the inability to construct a future - Rollo May
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I sit in front of my laptop trying to fit my thoughts into my journal. I try to make things make sense. I blink hoping the words form on the screen. I know it won't work but I can hope. I can hope and I can dream. That's the only way I know in which I may not lose myself. I can feel the thoughts growing in my head, the voices speaking. I try to block the negativity out but it consumes me.
I'm not sad, I'm ok. It doesn't hurt, it's alright. I don't feel bad about it, it's whatever. These are some of the lies we tell ourselves. But some of it speaks truth. I could never fathom why I wanted to fit in and then there were moments when I could care less. Sometimes I wanted to be everybody's friend and at other times I wanted to be left alone. You know why? Because I felt all alone in this world. No matter how many people surrounded me I was undeniably alone.
We as humans like to pretend that we're fine because if we can trick others then we can fool ourselves right? There's not really much to the basic human brain; I should know I want to study psychology. But wanting to study psychology doesn't make me smart in fact it doesn't change who I am. I'm not much and I'm not saying that to make you go, "Oh my God you poor thing." I'm saying it because I lack substance but at the same time there are many layers showcasing who I am. I once wondered if I had split personality disorder not because I exhibited traits. It's due to how I would act around different sets of people and it annoyed me. Because I seemed fake.
I didn't want to be that girl but yet I am. I can't really change myself well yes I could but I don't want to. I don't even have a job. I don't even think that some of my "friends" even like me. They pretend but I pretend too because despite wanting to be alone. Being alone feels empty and feeling empty doesn't always feel good.
I'm a manifestation of what I hope to be. I have been pretending for so long that I forgot who I was and what I hope to be. But soon I'll know what I am. I never really had a Dad or people that understood me but I had myself. I didn't want to lose myself to myself.
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-I'll have the first chapter out soon. Please check out newfiegirl12 and her book reviews.
