You Don't Know How Does It Feel To Be A Loser

Feeling so exhausted? Like you're living but you're dead? You never truly live? This is how life played us like a bunch of card, how reality treat us like a dog, how the society build up our mind, how people make fun of our feelings and thoughts, it makes me cry in silence sometimes.

I thought I'm strong, I thought I'm happy, I thought I'm okay. But in fact I'm not, I'm the weakest creature that God ever created, I'm a loser, I'm the dumbest human ever, I'm such a useless person in this world, I'm such a rubbish, I'm suck.

I always wondering why I tell everybody about what I love, what makes me happy, what I hate, what I really disgusted to, but I never tell anyone about what fears me, what makes me cry all night long. It's always hard for me cause I can't trust anyone.

I wanna scream as loud as I can but I don't want anyone to hear me screaming, I wanna cry out but I don't want anyone to see me crying, I wanna complain about averything i've been through but I don't want anyone to know it. I don't know who I have to talk to, I don't know where I have to lay all my problems and tell them to be quiet for a moment and trying to look for some way out to solve them.

It's quiet complicated for me. Is it only me who feels it? Feeling how weak I am who can't handle every pressure that comes and hit me hard, I think I already know how does life in the future will be like. I used to really want it, until that day is come over, I'm just silent, until the days keep on going, I keep silent. I don't know what I should do.

I love silence, I love quietness, I love darkness, but sometimes I love to be in a crowded place where the music played so loud then nobody knows I scream all of the bullshit I kept, I already told you I'm nothing more than just a loser, stupid, idiot, dumb, fucking useless empty brain. I don't even know what am I writing about, I'm such a shame, omg.

I think there's no one undertsand me, I know that because even me, I can't even understand myself, I always confused by myself, I always give up to myself, I always blame myself. I don't know what I needed, I don't know what I should go for, I don't know how to continue this, I'm feeling dead inside.

It never really works even how hard I tried to motivate myself, I'm just broken. Broken from the inside, I need to fix it but I don't know where to start, there are too much destructions, too much thing to fix. There's too much pain to heal.

I may look strong, I may look bright, but I'm not. I'm broken, I'm so damn weak so I let everything destroy me. I couldn't undo all the pain, I couldn't undo all the stupid mistakes I made.

I always overthinking about something that maybe doesn't worth it, I always trying not to think about that rubbish people talking about, but I can't.

"Be careful what you wish for." They said. I feel it now, I used to wish for something thats really stupid, it's like I wish for somebody to kill me soon, and it happens even faster than I expected. I used to wish for someone to be my friend till my last breathe, but she cuts me deep while I'm still breathing. She kills me slowly from the inside, my mind kills me inside. I'm dead. I'm sorry I'm so disapointed by you, and you're so disapointed by me. I'm sorry.

I thought we could be good friend, but in fact we broke each other, we destroy each other, we hurt each other, then we hate each other. We never talk to each other, I dont even want to see you. I decided to go away. Yeah, indeed, I told you I'm a loser, i don't want to face this, I don't want to open up the pain and the wounds. I'm sorry. I decided to hate you, now let it just be a memories between us. Sorry.

I know that everything won't be the same, you too, me too. You change, I change, everything changes. No need to blame, no need to regret, everything goes like how it should go. And everthing will be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end.

Honestly, I'm jealous of the way you happy without me, I wondering all the time when will I find the same happiness like yours? I believe God always have a perfect time to bless us a happiness but I'm just feeling so down right now, I'm drowning, I'm sinking. I'm done.

Honestly, deep in my heart I still love you, I missed you, I just can't say it because we already know each other, you know I can't talk a lot about what I feel, but I'm pretty sure you know what I truly feel. You were my bestfriend and now you're not, you were my everything and now I leave you, you were my inspiration but now I try so hard to throw you away from me, you were my stars--but then you covered by clouds, I can't see you and the sky keep dark.

But I can't always be dark, I have to get up, I have to keep on moving to another places where the sky is brighter, to make another bright days, to see anothers stars, to forget and forgive everything, to chase happiness, to show you that I can live my life without you, to show you that I can be more than just you. I know I deserve better than this. I deserve the best.

Poeple fail everyday but they get up every second, people die everyday but they reborn every moment.

People say True friend will Stay forever, However the condition, no matter how long you don't see each other. But I think I never have that true one. Another friends, another ends, I don't wanna have friends anymore. Sorry.

Sorry ,I can't be perfect...
To Mum, Dad, and my brothers.
Sorry, I got no words left to say. I love you, but sometimes I hate you at the same time, sorry I can't be the girl you want, sorry I cant make you proud. Thanks for everything you gave me, thanks for loving me, thanks...

I know it's wrong, but I don't know why...
Until now, I haven't been free from all the pressures, and it's getting bigger and harder. I always feel afraid of what I feel, I'm afraid that when the night comes and I couldn't sleep, because I'll think of something terrible about what's gonna happen in the future.

Like: What if I die tomorrow?
I haven't do anything and I'll just die as a uselees human.
I owe lots to everyone, I couldn't pay it off.

I haven't made my parents, brothers, friends even proud of me. I'm afraid of this life that already trap and killing me slowly from the inside, I never sure if something could wake me up in the next day. I'm just want you to know what on my brain and my heart are:

I know I'm not a good person
I know I'm not a good daughter
I know I'm not a good sister
I know I'm not a good friend
I know I'm not a good individual

I'm sorry for being here
I'm sorry I'm exist
I'm sorry I'm not a good person
I'm sorry I'm a failure
I'm sorry I'm such a dissapoinment
I'm sorry that I was born
I'm sorry that im still alive

All the love. R

---

I know there must be lots of grammatical errors and wrong spelling, sorry.