The Sinister blade

O N E: K A T A R I N A

Pain is colourless, it cannot be translated. It is this emptiness that is surrounding me. It is the darkness that's crawling inside of my chest seeking a way out of it, but it cannot leave. It simply can't. I feel the urgent need to kick it out and stop it from reminding me of all the stupid decisions that I took in my life. 

The decisions that opened the doors for these feelings to come and settle inside of me. They weigh too much for me to lift. Too much for me to handle. These feelings keep whispering
'' You're not worthy enough to live. You don't deserve this life. You don't deserve the air that's running through your lungs. You're a loser. A failure. ''

The ocean looks different today. Differently dark. Too black, too sad and broken. Rumours say it reflects the colour of the sky. 

Now, it is reflecting the colour of my feelings, my sadness, my anxiety. I tried to accept whatever life threw my way. I tried to live and grow through it. But I couldn't. 

I failed to be as strong as my father wanted. I failed to make him proud. He isn't the only person I disappointed, I disappointed Talon and Mother as well. I couldn't be the good girl they wish they knew so they gave up on me. 

Even Elina refused to stay by my side and defend our friendship against the rumours. It seems they were stronger than the bond we built through ten years of friendship. I used to call it sisterhood. But the moment she walked away believing the lies which were spreading about me, I decided to eliminate that word from my dictionary. 

I'm still staring at the waves in movement and thinking that probably my absence will be the one good thing I would do in my life. Not for myself, but for them. If I disappear, their life will become easier. They will live, love, fight, and survive with no obstacle in their way.

The wind keeps moving the waves hardly. It blows strongly over the ocean but softly caresses my skin. The wind is the only thing that I am in peace with this whole time. And that's what keeps pushing me to come and stand here, on the edge. 

But unfortunately, it cannot speak to me. It cannot whisper how much I'm worth to fight for. How much I'm worth to live, love and learn from my mistakes. It cannot teach me how to break free from the sorrow that's overwhelming me.

I want to close my eyes and listen to nature, maybe it has an answer for my questions. But I can't. I won't. If these eyes close up, tears will fall down. And in that moment, not only sadness, but weakness will hunt me down too. They will reunite and throw me off this cliff. 

I lift my head up and see the moon up there. Too beautiful to gaze away of it. It reduces the pain, the loneliness. But the ocean will eliminate it. Just jump. I ignore the voices inside of my head. They keep trying to guide me through this pain, I choose to do not believe them.

I shut my eyes closed to make the voices stop telling me what to do, where to go, and who to trust. I fight my tears but the hole inside of my heart pushes them harder and they stream down over my face. I instantly hold my chest and try to ignore the flashbacks that I see in front of me. The raid. The commandant. The hate spread from the tribe into our house. The betrayal of both my best friend and brother which united and destroyed what was left of me. 

My grip gets tighter and I try to catch my breath. My blood is rushing through my veins and I can hear my heart beating, ticking in a fast pace. Its anxiety paying me a visit one more time. This time, I fail to control it.

'' I am fine. '' I keep telling myself as I inhale. '' It's all in your head. '' I repeat the words my brother taught me. The words which used to calm me down makes me more anxious as I remember that I lost my guardian angel. I cannot fight it this time. I cannot forbid it from moving inside of my body. Before it becomes uncontrollable, I try to step back from the edge of the cliff. 

As I turn, a strong wind blows and here I am inside of the water. The ocean is dragging me into it, I try to swim up and survive. I fight to keep the air in my lungs longer, but I fail. The waves hold onto me stopping me from holding on to the life I was thinking to get rid of. 

The ocean which understood me a while ago and reflected my feelings through its fierce movement now hates me as everyone else does. You'll get rid of the pain. I convince myself as I realize that I have no more energy to fight the stream and push myself up. 

Don't be scared. This is what you wanted. Now it is over. The voices in my head speak to me for the last time. And for the first time I disagree with them. 

This isn't what I wanted.