The Past Should Stay Dead

I hate it. I hate what I saw; a picture of you. Just a picture, but a lot of memories flashback through my mind. Yes, it's been 4 months since we broke up. I admit it, I'm hurting inside, but still able to pretend that I'm just alright. Now what?! It's every woman's talent, they can still manage to smile even though there's something bugging them inside. I wonder if you still remember our firsts. The first time I saw you, the first time we met, our long first conversations. Until suddenly, as time goes by, we fell in love. We became in to lovers instantly from strangers. But now, seems like we're strangers again. Remember how we play like fools? How we tease each toher like kids. The first holding of hands, the first hugs and the first kisses. DO YOU STILL REMEMBER? How we we fix things after our silly fights. How we felt good after feeling bad. How everything went fine before. Remember the way you pull my hair out of my face, the way you tickle me, the way you stare at me, the way you chase me and said I love you, the way you get jealous and the way you hold my hand makes me feel satisfied and contented that I have you. But the way we were before is just not gonna happen anymore. I don't know, I'm confused. I thought I've already moved on but no, I've realized that, I do still love you. But damn it, I can't please you to be mine again. Because if you wanted to leave, well it's okay. I'll even hold the door open for you. I really hate you. You cold-hearted, i-dont-know-if-human-being. You're numb! Yes, I know I also made mistakes. Well mistakes aren't wrong unless we repeat it, right? Because mistakes is our teacher and we learn lessons from it. You know that I'll never give up, never let go, never leave until you wanted me to do that. I can hold on, I can sacrifice, I can wait, and never surrender as long as you're doing the same thing. But no, you've let me down. Your promises, where are they? What happened to our future plans? Marriage, family, kids, growing old together. Tell me what! What happened?! What happened to us? What happened to the guy I used to know, because I don't know you anymore. Maybe that guy is gone, probably dead. Because I don't know anymore the guy I was with. Where the hell are the lies you promised me?! I'm so confused. I'm so stupid. But I'll never be like that again and never will be. I should've not seen you or met you or talked to you or hugged you or kissed you either. I shoul've never believed in your lies, I should've never trusted anything you say, and I should've never loved you in the first place. I should've not fell for these stupid lies you said. But now look, you have this new girl, you're happy and oh so perfectly fine. While I, am sitting here, feeling down, writing this piece of nonsense shit. Hey you, numb guy, I hate you so much. I hate everything all about you. I really really hate you I could toss you out of this world! I am bitter, yes I admit. It's because I haven't yet forgotten you. While you jerk, living happily and perfectly damn fine, easily replaced me. It was just like yesterday when I am your girl but now it became "I used to be your girl". Used to be your first, first in everything. Remember, I were your first girlfriend, first love. DO YOU REMEMBER?! I HATE THIS FEELING!  I don't know why did God ever let our paths crossed when he didn't meant for us to be together. It's not that I'm blaming God and I'm not blaming you either. I'm blaming myself, because I let you took me for granted, I let you spoiled that I could still forgive you after hurting me. I let you used me, and just after that you throw me away easily like a piece of trash, like I've never done something good to you, you ungrateful jerk. I'm not hoping for karma to tap your back or planning a revenge over you. I'm not holding a grudge against you. It's just that, I'm hurting by these truths on how easy for you to break up with me, to forget me and to replace me. Because if you were in my shoes, it would be really hard for you to forget and replace so fast. Forgetting me as easy as forgetting school lessons. I love you but I hate you. Yes, I hate it so much that I still love you. My mind and my heart are actually arguing. My heart said: "It's not the end of the day, there's still a chance. Don't lose hope, fate might just change." But my mind contradicts, saying: "Don't listen to your heart. Yes, there's still a chance that he'll be guilty or feel any regret. But it's not like you're waiting forever, forever might not came. It's not like you're going to be a martyr after all." I dont know who to follow, I really don't know if I should still keep my hopes up thinking that someday you'll come running and take me back. I dont know what to say, what to do, what to think, how to act. I simply just don't know to handle this anymore. Feels like I'm going crazy! Maybe I could've just forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being awfully stupid and forget that you ever existed. It's really ironic right, how you used to give me the best memories before but now you, yourself became a memory. I guess people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together. I just have to accept that you can live happily without me, even if I can't live without you.