Remember Me || Shawn Mendes

Shawn

“In my dreams, you're with me..we'll be everything I want us to be…”

Singing this song is always the worst for me.

I wrote it for her, because every night I dream of her being with me and holding her in my arms again never letting her go.

So many nights I wish I would've been on that plane with her or just never let her get on at all.

Why?! GOD WHY HER!? WHY NOT ME!?

I could feel the tears building up in my eyes and the more I sang the harder it was for me to fight them off.

The song came to an end and the lights went down...I took this moment to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath.

This was Everything I ever wanted….

To perform...To Listen to a crowd full of thousands of adoring fans sing my songs back to me…..To Tour the world….

But…..without her it doesn't feel right….it shouldn't feel like this….It just feels so wrong being up here.

****

When the show ended I walked straight back to my bus and to the room in the back.

I kicked off my shoes and threw myself on the bed.

I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes trying to stop myself from having a complete emotional breakdown…

I pulled out my phone and went to the gallery…

I went to my favorite photo of her…..

My beautiful Gen….

After that I couldn't hold back anymore I just let the tears fall…

I couldn't control them anymore…

***

After a few minutes of uncontrollable tears I pulled myself together

and Dialed Gen's mom

***

“Hello.”

“Hey Mrs.Lively, Its me again.”

“Oh, Shawn, dear don't you worry about that call me as many times as you like; I don't mind at all…..How are you Sweetie?”

“I..I'm okay I was just calling to check on you, see how things are. How is everyone?”

“Oh, everyone is okay…..we're making it through and that's all that matters.”

“Yeah...I guess it is.”

“We are so very blessed to have had you and your families support these past few years.”

“Always Mrs.Lively, you'll always have us here.”

“We are extremely greatful...and Shawn honey?..”

“Yeah..?”

“I've been telling you this for years hun call me rose.”

“Heh yea of course sorry….rose...have to make myself remember.”

“Youre family hun...okay always remember that.”

“I know….”

“sh….Shawn hun is everything okay?”

“Ye…..yeah everything is great...I'm just a little tired from tour that's all.

“You know I'm always here for you Shawn whenever you need me.”

“Yeah I know. Honestly though everything is good.”

“Okay...hun I just always want to make sure.”

“Yeah,I know…..my mom does it too…..I guess its a mom thing.”

“Yeah...it really is.”

“Well, I have to go…..we're headed to Toronto for my last show...so I'll see you soon.”

“Okay...hun I'll see you soon….Make sure to get some rest okay.”

“Okay I will.”

“Alright...we love you hun.”

“Love you all too. Bye.”

“Bye...bye.”

****

I know she was hoping I bring up gen but I can't… I just can't

What am I supposed to tell her….tell her that I can't Breathe when think about her….I feel my heart breaking everyday shes gone…...I feel like I'm dying…..That I feel like its never gonna get  better…..That I don't know how much longer I can go without her…..That I can't even say her name without wanting to scream and cry……

I wish I could tell her its all gonna be okay….

That in time it will all heal…

That eventually it will be easier …..but its been 4 years and it hurts more than it ever has.

Every night I wish that I'll wake up and this will all just be a horrible nightmare….and that when I wake up she is right by my side again,

Waking me up with her warm hugs and soft kisses…..

Those are the moments I miss the most….The simple things.

***

I shut off the light and close my eyes  hoping to see her in my dreams.