Unsettled Rest

Unhealed Scars

"Stop." His arms tightened around me grabbing at my arms and wrists. His body laid behind me our bodies copying each others posture and pose. His voice sounded tired and miserable. My arms burned. "I wont let you hurt yourself." He said, his grip tightening around my fingertips. My nails dug deep and slowly into my burning red arm. I scratched myself deeper to try to empty my mind of those terrible thoughts. He grabbed me tighter raising his voice once more, "Stop!" My body loosened and every limb fell limp. I thought of strangling him, I thought about watching him squirm in pain, his face turning blue. I cried. I shook my head grabbing fistfuls of my hair. I just wanted the thoughts to stop. I wanted to stop imagining my lovers death. He whispered into my ear, "I love you, and I will never stop loving you." My eyes rebelled, as tears swelled up and ran down my alcohol red cheeks. I turned around, and nuzzled my way into his arms. Still imagining his blue cheeks, his tears, and his breaking heart. My mind still trying to battle its way into nothingness.

I would never intentionally hurt a soul. I cry when I see a dead animal on the side of the road. Yet these thoughts creep up. Thinking of what it would be like to feel someone squirming beneath you. The thought of pushing someone into a busy road of traffic. I hate it. I feel like a monster, scared and wondering if I should be institutionalized. I terrify myself with these dark thoughts. I have a meltdown anytime I accidentally bump or scratch a person. I beg them for forgiveness when frankly I never even hurt them.

I have had a violent past, but nothing incredibly notable. I've never gotten into any fist fights, never hurt anyone severely. Yet many people close to me... have scars from me. When I was little I was incredibly shy. I would not speak to strangers at all. I rarely spoke to people I did know. Because of rarely spoke, I didn't know how to communicate my thoughts. Like a baby who cries when in need, I made animal sounds and scratched. When someone did something I didn't like instead of "using my words" I attacked them. I scratched and left scars. My brother has a foot long scar across his arm. My fiance has many scars, one reaching from the bottom of his shoulder blade to his lower back. Most of these scars however, weren't done out of anger. It was for fun. It was out of the thought of wondering If I could actually hurt someone so much stronger and bigger than me. But when they actually show the reaction of pain I become terrified. I hug them and shower them with love horrified that I did actually hurt them.

I do not understand these thoughts, I do not understand my actions. Its as if I'm in a trance.