Love Is a Bunch of Stupid Decisions

Chapter 16

Time had never moved as agonizingly and painfully slow as it did when I was waiting for Ben to come home from the theater that night.

Don't get me wrong, Ben and I had fought before. Life on the road made us irritable and cranky, and we'd certainly seen the worst of each other these last few months. But this wasn't just another fight. Unlike those arguments, I couldn't see an easy way out of this one. It wasn't something that a quick little apology could fix, like a band-aid on a paper cut. This was no paper cut fight. This was an 'I just lost a limb and I'm bleeding out' fight.

... Is that too dramatic? Probably. I guess sitting alone in a hotel room for hours with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company isn't always the best in situations like this.

It's a little after 10:30 when Ben gets back to our room. He enters quietly, probably assuming I was asleep when in reality I was the farthest thing from it. My heart feels like it's in my throat when Ben locks eyes with me, the blue eyes that I usually loved looking into filled with something that made me want to look away.

He gives me one of those unauthentic pitty half-smiles, the same ones that Josh kept giving me at lunch today. He makes his way over to the bed I'm sitting on, laying down next to me and sighing. We're both quiet for a while, not knowing what to say or where to start. The air conditioner humming in the corner was the only noise.

"I'm sorry I was a dick."

I laugh at his apology, even though I probably shouldn't be laughing in this situation. "Uh, it's ok, I guess."

"I just miss you. I miss when you were just a waitress and didn't have this crazy job and at the end of the day we both came home to our own apartment and life wasn't so stressful. I miss the Charlotte who wasn't glued to her laptop every moment she was awake. I miss you."

"I know," I respond, taking his hand in mine and rubbing it softly. "I miss you too." His words were sweet, but I swear we had had this exact conversation a dozen times. "But what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that we can't pretend we don't have this conversation every other week." My words come off harsher than I expected, causing his face to sink again. "Ben, you know that I love you. More than anything. But this job is a dream come true. And I hate that when I do everything I can to make time for you, it still doesn't feel like it's enough. And lunch today? I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my entire life."

His face floods with regret as he takes both of my hands in his. "Char... I'm not gonna lie, I was really mad at you for a few days," He says, laughing lightly before returning to his somber expression. "That's when I made up the lie about saying I invited you when I never did. I did something stupid when I was upset and I regret it, and I'm sorry."

"But it wasn't just that, Ben," I say, standing up as I give myself a mental high-five for sticking up for myself. "I feel like for a while now you've wanted nothing to do with me, even when I've done my best to make time." He doesn't respond, so I keep going. "You've said, since day one, that you love how hardworking and dedicated and talented I am, but now you're going to turn around and make me feel like a horrible girlfriend because I can't dedicate every waking moment to you?"

Ben rubbed his face with his hands, groaning. "That's not what I'm trying to do."

"What are you trying to do?"

"Maybe make sure my girlfriend knows that I love her?" He says, standing up and raising his voice. "You know what? Forget it. If you love this job so much I'll get out of your way." He grabs his bag, walking towards the door.

"You're not going anywhere." I quickly stand between him and the door. "There's got to be some way that we can figure this out."

"Maybe I don't want to anymore."

"Excuse me?"

He sighs again. "Char, I'm just too exhausted to talk about this right now. Ok? I'll see you later."

So much of me wants to call out after him, to tell him to stay as he leaves our room. Instead I'm speechless, like all of the air and life was kicked out of me.

"Maybe he has something going on that we don't know about."

It was 2:30 AM now, Ava being kind enough to stay up with me and talk through things. We had went out and bought some Ben & Jerry's, and were now in my hotel room again. I had already told her everything- how I tried to make it better, all of his sarcastic moments, and how it just went from bad to worse when he came back after the show.

"I wish he'd just tell me if there was something going on instead of just running and hiding from it, like he always does."

"What do you mean?"

"The first time we ever fought, like fought fought, he ended up going back to his parent's house for a few days without even letting me know. He just always runs away when things get hard, I guess."

"Well, hopefully he doesn't run too far," She says. We both are quiet for a bit, letting our pints of Half Baked and The Tonight Dough ice cream soothe our anxious minds. "Charlotte, I really feel like there's something else going on, something that he's not telling us. You're close with his sister, right?"

"Yeah, we're pretty close. Why?"
"I think it might be a good idea to reach out to her. Maybe call her and just ask if there's anything else going on that might be freaking him out."

"You're right," I nod. "God, I wish I could call her now, but it's 2:30 in the morning there too... I'll do it first thing tomorrow."

"Sounds good," She smiles. "I should probably get some sleep, you should too. I'll see you in the morning?"
"See you then. And thank you for everything. I'm sorry that this is probably going to make things in our friend group insanely awkward for a while," I chuckle.

"Oh, don't act like you're the first couple in a friend group to ever fight," She laughs. "You guys will be back and better than ever soon, I know it."

Falling asleep that night was easier than expected, most likely because of how exhausted and drained I am. The next morning, though, the first thing on my mind is calling Emma.

"Hey Charlotte! What's up?"

"Not much, how are things there?" I ask, faking some enthusiasm.

"They're good. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah, actually. Have you talked to Ben lately?"

"... Not since a few days ago. Why? What's up?"

I take a deep breath to steady my nerves. "He's just... been acting really strange lately. He and I got in a big fight yesterday, too, but I'm worried about him. Is there anything that you know of going on that might be bothering him?" There's dead silence on the other end, and for a moment, I thought our call had dropped. "You there, Emma?"

"Sorry, I'm still here." Her tone had changed, and it wasn't for the better.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I know what might be going on." 

A/N: *gasps*