Somedays, often actually, I forget how to speak. My tongue will wrap itself around every single word besides the one that I was looking for. Breathing should come naturally but no, not to me. And my lips and lounges can't agree on when to jump into the water. My failed synchronized swimmers dive into random ramble until I forget what question I was supposed to answer. The room becomes a collection of dead conversationalists trying to figure out if my story has an end. Usually it doesn't, but unfortunately, my mouth doesn't know how to stop rolling downhill. Sometimes while I'm rolling I want to rip out the grass and stuff it down my throat so that maybe just maybe there's a possibility that when I stop talking you can reassure me that at least you understand what I'm trying to explain. When I finish there is only silence. You say that you have to leave. And I don't blame you, but there were so many things that I wish you understood. I'm nervous, I admit. Your reaction makes it seem like I just confessed something to you, but that's not true. It's just that when your name appeared on the darkness of my screen my heart forgot how to play hopscotch and fell straight through my rib cage, I think I might have lost it. And no, it's not cute. We both know how socially awkward I have become since the first time I met you. You should see how I talk to my friends, how my mouth slithers unapologetically into conversations that we never expected to be in and for a short while I had the same problem with you. But ever since you've become a stranger to me it's as if I have left my own body and am chronically trying to get as far away from you as possible. I wish you weren't as judgmental. Every time I open my mouth it's as if I can hear the disapproval ringing in my ear. You laugh and tell me it's okay but you're not the one I was apologizing to. I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that I'm playing this role of a love-lost fool although I know exactly how smart you can be. I'm sorry that I have gotten so lost within myself to notice how many interesting things you had to say. I'm sorry that your mind is a roller coaster of hormones and questions and that I can't seem to find the buckles to get out of it and let myself get over this history of overthinking. You should see how beautiful I am. How my body isn't the only thing that I'm proud of. How my tongue can make your heart sweat by wrapping around it with my words. How I know how to ask all the right questions. I wish that you could see the long line of past lovers and friends that still crawl up my back because they need a new dosage of what they call their own brand of cocaine. Everything that I say to them gets cut into small marketable pieces. It is just a side effect of the industry. I will not sell you raw meat and claim it as nutrition. So please. Let me show you the woman that I myself fell in love with, ages ago.
