Don't Leave Me... [JungkookxReader]

chapter 35

A/N
I know I'm disappointing yall but I never promised I would update regularly so here's your monthly update(kidding!)
Really I'm sorry but this is all I can do right now, you know school is ruining my life rn so I will definitely update whenever I can, I just want to end this story for my own peace
I LOVE YALL AND I HOPE YOU DO NOT WANT TO KILL ME!!!😄😄lol
ENJOY!!!🤗💖
btw there's gonna be some typo and mistakes in general cause this chapter isn't really edited so yeah...that's that.

Your P.O.V

Doctor Kim Yura.
She is a very self-contained woman, she always looks like she knows exactly what to do but right here and right now...
right after my question she just looked very lost...
She didn't know what to say, I don't really know what made her so confused, I mean, it is obvious as a doctor who specialises in oncology, I'm quiet sure she had these kind of questions asked all the time...
maybe she got this confused all of the other times as well but her expression really put so much pressure on me that I felt like I was about to explode, I still somehow managed to maintain a calm expression and it was a big mistake because it made her even more tense than she was already

"You know I have been asked questions like this one before..."

She starts talking and comes closer on my bed to sit next to me and look me in the eyes as if she looked straight down at my soul

"It doesn't really surprise me that you are one of the few patients who have ever dared to look that far in the future, but you are one of those fighters, I really don't know what to say..." she looked down on her lap as if she was thinking deeply, after a split second she turned to my eyes again and put her hand on my shoulder

"I know you might have heard this before but life is definitely a war... but this situation that you are in is so much more of a war than whole life...
you know me, don't you? And very well and you know I'm not the type of a person to sugarcoat things which are this real... so I want you to listen to me..."

I wasn't looking in her eyes by now I was looking at her name tag the first thing I've ever noticed about her and the thing I stared at all the time when I first met her, I don't know why but this tag had a feeling, an emotion in it and the way her little picture on it looked at me, how her smile on the picture said that she knew exactly she would have a conversation with a teenager about death... and it hurts me... how a pure soul like her gave her life to shit job like this even though she really was the best doctor in town...

"I want you to know that no matter how many times you will be hurt physically, how many times you'll break physically you have to fight for one thing... to stay brave mentally, stay ready, because until you're strong mentally nothing can break you down, nothing can make you give up...nothing!"

And she stood up with it, she looked me in the eyes one last time and went out.

I knew exactly what she was talking about... Soyeon...

I don't know what to think this didn't answer my question at all, does this mean yes or does this mean no or does she want me to be positive and think that it's a yes or whatever the fuck it is it's just confusing as hell sometimes she really just want me to hurt my brain with so much thinking, I mean she is a doctor how can she just put out those wise speeches and leave me speechless like that... this is insane but whatever she told me made me feel stronger, somehow it did and it made me imagine how would it be to go to the party with him...
That is a problem...
After knowing about my leukemia I tried my best to push as many people out of my life as I could, make people not care about as much so my death wouln't hurt them but somehow more and more people came for my rescue and my childish dreams made me take this amazingly huge yet stupid step...
Be with Jungkook, but am I really with him? I mean we never really used the term, girlfriend or boyfriend and never really talked about it officially so would it be easier for us to part?...
 
I don't want to let go of the only thing I can hold onto, but I'm just trying to regain some of the control over the situation, I have to go back to the point in time,when I've realised what I wanted and I went straight on the way I chose, I never chose to die and it might've never been the only choice that was given to me, but everything has an end, every life and moreover every kind of a relationship, I think short life expectancy does make a person think about deeper things than usual teenagers think about, it also makes you in a way wiser, I don't really know what wise is but sitting in a therapy session room with the teens and young adults with short life expectancy as well, listening to every word they say, it's just so weird that here in these rooms we talk about such deep and dark things and the second we leave this place everything just goes back to this pretend normal life, well that's if you ever leave this place alive...
I felt in control...
Before he came here, that day and changed everything, changed my mindset, changed me...

I don't want to hurt people, but I know that I'm hurting him with any choice I make, even if I stay with him or not, it would not change the fact that he will be hurt either way.
I don't know the way out of this situation but I'm just trying to figure it all out.

I was just seated on my bed listening to music in my earphones, I was sitting and facing the wall, buried into the my hoodie and blanket, I was thinking about Soyeon, I mean I should've at least called her, she'd be so upset right now, but I'm just so bad at phone conversations, I don't even know what to say, I guess that's a side effect of being an awkward introvert potato...
While thinking about Soyeon, I felt someone's presence behind my back and that someone quickly back-hugged me very tight, he took my earphones out and put one of them in his ear
"Hi" Jungkook was almost choking me with his strong arms around my neck, he had his knees on my bad and I turned around to hug him
"What are we listening to?"
"Umm... it's one of my favourite songs from my new playlist" I said looking up at him, he kissed me gently
"What's it's name?"
"It's "You" by keaton henson, do you really like it that much?"
"Yeah, I like chill, sad songs" I smiled at him and he started tickling me, he laid me down and I was under him in a matter of a second, I stopped laughing when I felt this different kind of a tension
"What?" I asked him since he was staring at me for too long
"Nothing" he said quietly and leaned in to kiss me, the kiss was passionate like the one at his dorm, he pulled away pretty quickly though
"Did you sneak in?" I asked him knowing he was not allowed here by this time, it was already evening
"Maybe... well kind of since your doctor saw me, winked at me and gave me a pass" I smiled, he laid down next to me, I won't lie the bed was too small for two of us so he tried his best not to fall off
"You are really something" he said looking at the ceiling
"Why is that so?"

"I've never felt like this ever before, the kind of feelings I feel when I'm around you" he said and looked at me, I smiled at him weakly

"It's just you're all I think about, you never leave my head for even I second and I count every second from the morning to finally the time I could see you again..."
he got quiet for a moment and that deep sigh didn't say anything good
He sat up on the bed, now his back facing me as I sat up following his every movement like some kind of a copycat, I knew something bad was coming, this feeling kept killing me I touched his back and he sighed again

"I will fucking go crazy if you ever leave me, you do understand that right?" The crack in his voice made me so much weaker than I already were, being his best friend for almost 5 years, still I've never seen him cry, this was new, all of it, he turned around quickly and startled me, his sob made my eyes watery, he grabbed both my hands and looked me in the eyes

"I love you Y/N" he said and I smiled widely while a tear left my eye
"I love you more than anyone or anything in this world" be said and smiled with me, he wasn't crying anymore, I was...

I don't know how to feel, is this the best or the worst day of my life, I was just now planning on breaking up with him and I don't know what to do anymore but now, laying on top of him because next to him wouldn't work, him or I would end up on the floor, having my head on his chest and feeling his arms on my back, I felt eternity, eternity of this particular moment...

God, I wish, we could be like this forever

Because...

"I love you Jeon Jungkook"