ranting

1

nothing. i have nothing. i wasn't born blessed by the gods of beauty. i do not own the perfect body, or have any kind of natural talent. i am as ordinary as it can get. 

although, it is a thought that as always been in my mind... when i am in my dark place my sadness makes sure i remember that. the fact that i am no one, i have no friends so i barely go out (my vitamine D must be negative twenty at this point) and that i was born with nothing. apart from that, the universe made sure my childhood was as shitty as possible. you know, it covered the basics: toxic parents, things i shouldn't have seen, a voice in my head that i can not get rid off and that has been with me since i can remember, fucked up bullying, hands of strangers in places that shouldn't be touched by strangers... 

i can't seem to love people in any way cause i'm scared of them not liking me anymore. i'm a firm believer i'll find the right person without even trying to look for them just because the universe owes me. cause i am a good person. i'm fucked up but still a friking good person. i care. i care for my family, no matter how many times they let me down or hurt me. i care for my friends, even though they don't care about me i can't help but love them. and they always end up leaving me alone. i want to become a doctor so i can be able to fix people. i'm that good. and also, i'm smart. i may not have beauty and i wasn't born with natural skills but i have my brain. it's the only thing i'm proud to say that i know how to use. i'm also a firm believer that if you don't have any aspiration in life, if you don't dream big, then you are not living the way you should. i have passion to learn new things, things that i like. i don't need beauty. i have my brain. i've always been the smart one. every year of high school i was known because of that. 

and i know what i want for me. i have been close to giving up way too many times, telling myself that i don't want to live anymore but i realize now the truth is that was not living. and neither is this. living means another thing and i think you have to fight to get that chance. the chance to live the thing you dream to achieve. you just gotta look forward to the future. 

don't get me wrong. the future holds more wrongs than rights and it may feel impossible and you may feel like rights are taking waay more time than expected but i also think the wait may be worth it. my life hasn't started yet. i can't end something that hasn't started. 

and i am tired too. of waking up and being all the same. i think i'm depressed. i don't know. i just feel this sadness in my chest and i don't like it. i can feel my body rejecting it, it's so weird. it's like i don't want to feel sad but i can't help it. it much more powerful than me sometimes... so i try not to think about it. i keep telling myself friends will come, and nice days too. i miss laughing with someone who gets me. i miss seing other people smile. i miss having someone to talk to... seems like i'll have to manage for a few months. just me and the motivational videos i keep watching in youtube from time to time.

i don't know when i became such an optimistic. i think its the "i haven't lived yet" thing that fills my chest with excitment and a weird kind of rush that i enjoy. a year ago i would have been crying and thinking to myself ways to end it all. i mean, trust me, i'm just four blocks away to the nearest train track, i don't know how many times i've thought of just giving up, go sit there and wait for it. wait for the train to run me over. but now i have priorities. i have my little bro. he loves me. and i love him. i have my big sis, even tho sometimes i feel like i'm older than her, she's awesome. i have a dad and a mom who despite my mistakes they keep telling me every day they love me. and i've hurt them just as much as they've hurt me but i am their daughter and they will love me before anything or anyone else no matter how mad they can be at me. and i can't just ignore that. that would be so fucking ungrateful from my part. i know that it's their job and they can't help but love me and support me... imagine how frustating that must be. i owe them every little piece of respect that i have left. i wish i could give them more. right now i can't, but when i get my shit done and complete my goals, i will try to give them back everything they deserve. they were and are nothing but good and caring parents. 

writing what i think somehow organizates my brain. my thoughts. so, i'm going to fight this sadness in my chest cause i want to be there for the people that the future wants me to meet. and for my dreams. for my mom and dad, that have raised me to be this thing that i am. this flawed, good, caring and hopeful person i am. it took so much for them to make me and my brothers such nice people. smart people. with values. 

so i have no time for being sad or regret my mistakes. what's done it's done and i can't go back but i can make up for it by start being myself more. by trying to be more present. be better. 

i will be better for them. for me. cause i need it too.