Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like your world is crumbling and coming to an end? Have you ever felt like feeling an emotion but you are numb and that's it. Numb. Have you ever felt like you need to hold on to a person who you know you can't have back.
That's what i wanted. To hold her or to show an emotion. I wanted to be like my father, crying secretly in my room at night, or like my brothers, throwing tantrums, yelling and cursing, crying. But all i was was fucking numb. And i hated that feeling.
It's only been a week and i miss her like crazy.
Stella Elizabeth Jensen.
My mother, the best woman i had ever had in my life. Gone. Just like that.
I wanted to remember all the times i have spent with her. From the beginning to the end. I want to remember her smile when my first words left my mouth, the excited squeal when i took my first steps, the anger when she found out about the jail incident with Elliot.
But i couldn't.
My mind was numb. No thought passed through it. Just her three last words to me.
"Smile, Elliot, smile."
She had wanted to see me last. I had thought that she preferred my brothers above me. And how couldn't i? The world revolves around sons.
But i was wrong. Oh so wrong.
She had wanted to see me last because i was the most important thing to her. She wanted me to be the most clearest person in her mind when her soul departed.
Now i saw as the coffin being lowered in the ground, the people around me bowed their heads in respect.
My brothers stood next to the open ground, dirt in their hands and looking expectantly at me. Dad had wanted us to be the ones who threw the dirt but i couldn't move. One tiny speck of dirt on the coffin and it would be a solid proof that mom was no longer with us.
I remembered how hard it was to bring Mac and Arthur. They had been sulking in their rooms for the whole week. They blamed themselves for mom's death.
"It was an accident." Dad had yelled at them. "A fucking accident. Don't beat yourselves over it now. What's done is done."
I couldn't remember the last time dad had cursed but it sure wasn't something to look forward to. Dad had been upset and pissed at them both.
"I wish i had concentrated more on driving then on Arthur's jokes." Mac had said when i managed to get in his room.
"It was my fault for trying to catch Mac's attention when he was driving. I'm such a fool." Arthur had cried.
The accident was a tragedy. Mom had asked them both to drop her off at some friend's house and this stupid drunk truck driver had crashed in the back of the car where mom sat. Mac and Arthur had turned out unscathed and hadn't stopped blaming themselves for mom's death. Fortunately, we all got a last chance to talk to her before she was gone for good.
I felt a hand being pressed on my back and the person pushing me towards my brothers. I silently thanked Elliot for pushing me forward because i wasn't sure if could move my legs without his palm pressing on my back.
I bent down and scooped some dirt, looking each of my brother in the eyes as we all emptied our hands.
"Goodbye mom." I whispered, my voice barely above a whisper but i knew that Elliot heard because he fisted some of my dress in his hands.
I knew it hurt him almost equally as it did to me and my brothers.
I watched silently as my mom was buried under dirt forever.
I wanted to cry like Carlisle. I wanted to throw a fit like Mac. I wanted to show some emotion but i was
Numb.
Tamara, Finley and O'Conner had tried to talk to me. They even came over at my house the whole week but i couldn't talk to anyone except my family and Elliot.
I looked up at the sky, glaring up at whoever was up there.
"I hate you." I whispered furiously.
*****
Everyone was gone.
Dad had offered me a ride but i denied, telling him i'll walk back. Right now, i wanted time with my mother.
"Do you remember the time when i was five and i had thrown a fit because you didn't buy me that cotton candy? And the time when i first hit my period and freaked out because you forgot to give me that talk? And the time when Elliot turned my hair green and i had to cover them the whole Christmas? Also the time we accidentally shaved off Harry's eyebrows?" I asked, looking at the grave. "I miss you mom. I can't imagine a life without you. If i could, i would give anything to get you back. Even if that means facing your beast mode. I want to see your smiles again, i want to eat food cooked by you and Carlisle. I want you to love me, mom." I said, my voice breaking with each word.
I felt someone sit down next to me, putting a hand on my waist and pulling me towards them.
"You're ruining your suit Nick." I said to my eldest brother.
"You're ruining your dress Elliot." He said softly.
"I miss her so much, Nick." I said, the tears finally making an appearance.
"I know. I do too."
*****
"That's it. That's her." I shouted, pointing to the first star i saw.
Elliot had told me that the first star of tonight would be my mother and after hours of waiting on the porch and drinking with him, i had finally managed to see the first star, my mother.
I laughed and clapped giddily. I knew i was drunk but i couldn't help but act like a toddler. It felt good to feel free from all the stress i had from the week.
Elliot laughed. He wasn't drunk because he had controlled his alcohol, unlike me.
"Calm down, Ellie." He said, coming over to stop me from my rocking.
I could barely stand on my two feet but i was rocking on my heels as Elliot tried to stop me
"Munchkin." He growled when he noticed i had no intention to stop.
I giggled, but soon stopped.
"Don't call me that." I said with a pout.
"What? Munchkin?" He grinned deviously. "Munchkin, munchkin, munchkin." He sang.
"What?" I snapped, annoyed at the name he had given me when we were teenagers.
He looked at me with a serious expression.
"Nothing, i just love you."
My face softened. I loved it when he spoke his true feelings for me. It had taken a lot of effort to bring him to say those three words.
"I know." I whispered.
He leaned down to kiss me softly.
"Nothing can kill the mood here." I heard Arthur say.
A slap followed his voice and i knew it was Violet. Now known as Violet Jensen.
"I can't wait till the bells ring for them." She said with a sigh.
I smiled as i continued to kiss Elliot. I felt like a teenager while kissing him. His every kiss was different. But each kiss portrayed his emotion and that's what i loved about his kisses.
I pulled back, trying to even my breathing.
"You do realise that when we get married, we'll both be Elliot Fintry?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "After hearing it from you for the nth time, yes i do." He said, smiling fondly at me.
I grinned back up at him because i knew that everything will be alright. It was in his voice, like he was sending the message.
Everything's gonna be alright. Eventually.
