Love Is a Bunch of Stupid Decisions

Chapter 18

I had forgotten what it felt like to not be exhausted. Not just physically exhausted-- I had been sleep deprived all tour and knew that feeling all too well-- but adding in the emotional exhaustion of watching Ben and his family go through hell and back was something I never could have been prepared for.

But it's strange. Everyone kept telling Ben and I how strong we were, watching his mom deal with such an aggressive disease. But nothing about me felt strong. The only thing I felt was like I didn't have a choice. What alternative option was there? There was no plan B. When life requires strength of you, somehow you find a way.

Today was the day that we flew to Lorton to see his family. These last few days had dragged by so agonizingly slow, it felt like the moment would never get here. I knew that seeing his family wouldn't make everything better-- that is, it wouldn't cure his mom of her disease and make everything go back to normal. But it was exactly what Ben, and his entire family for that matter, needed.

"I guess this isn't exactly how I pictured our first Valentine's Day together," Ben laughs, intertwining his fingers with mine as we walked into the hospital.

I stop in my tracks. "Is today really Valentine's Day?" It couldn't be. It was only the 10th or 11th or something. Right?

He pulls out his phone, showing me the date. "Yep. Sorry this isn't very romantic or anything."

"I still wouldn't trade it for anything," I smile, the two of us then sharing a kiss to warm ourselves up in this cold and unwelcoming hospital hallway. Perhaps we wouldn't have spoken so optimistically had we known what was awaiting us.

His mom is pale. Alarmingly pale. She's propped up in a hospital bed by pillows, with tubes and beeping machines all around her. I feel Ben's grip on my hand tighten immensely the second we walk through the door. Despite her condition, the same warm and genuine smile lit up her face, as if nothing were wrong. "There's my Ben," She says, her voice sounding dry and exhausted.

"Hey mom," Ben replies, forcing the smile on his face. Emma and his older brother, Nick, are here too, and their dad was at work. We all greet each other, sharing hugs and 'hello's that seemed upbeat and optimistic, even though we all knew the truth.

We all hang around for a while, making small talk as if nothing was strange. "How are things going with Mean Girls?" Emma asks.

"They're going well, I can't believe we've already been on tour for almost four months," I say, reflecting on what a crazy four months it had been. "How about you? How are you doing?"

"They've been ok, all things considered," She smiles, remaining positive in these circumstances. We chat for a while more, and I can sense Ben becoming more and more at peace as he got to see his family after so long.

"Missing that flight to talk to her was the best thing I ever did."

There isn't much for us to do for the next few days besides visit, which is totally ok with us. My favorite part, though, is getting to hear the cutest story of all time- the story of how Ben's mom and dad first met.

"And I looked like a mess, too," His mom added. "Who ever goes to the airport looking cute, anyways? I had no makeup on, hair in a ponytail, old sweatpants on... and this cute guy just sits down next to me and starts talking to me as if I'm the most beautiful girl in the world."

"That's because you were, and still are to this day," His dad continues. "I almost lost my job because I missed that flight I was supposed to be on for work... but it was worth it in the end."

Ben puts his arm around me, rubbing my shoulder as I smile up at him. It was a cliche moment, but one that I wanted to remember forever. Those days were filled with so many stories- how Ben and Emma used to get so angry at each other when they were little that they'd end up having food fights every night at dinner, to how their first ever family trip to Disney was ruined because Ben got food poisoning from a Denny's in South Carolina, to how Ben and I's first interaction was me fixing his hair (and realizing how ticklish he was), and so many more.

Three days with your mom is not enough when you're not sure if she'll be alive next time you see her. I knew Ben would do anything in his power to stay here- but he had to go back on tour for a few days, at least until they could figure everything out for a permanent replacement for him. His mom felt bad too, guilty, almost- like she was holding him up here. She wanted him to go back and be on tour instead of sulking around the hospital all day, even though this was where he'd rather be.

"I love you, mom," He repeated for what must have been the hundredth time today, although that's the kind of phrase that can never be said enough.

"I love you too, Ben," She responds, squeezing his hand tight. I swallow the lump in my throat and hold my tears back, something I'd gotten quite good at lately. He hugs her, gentle but tight and never wanting to let go.

I give her a goodbye hug as well, taking a mental picture of her warm smile, her tired, but happy eyes, and how tightly she hugged me- as if she was putting every last drop of her energy into that hug. "He's lucky to have you," She whispers, for just me to hear. "We all are lucky to have you, really. I'm so glad you're part of our family."

"I'm lucky to have you guys," I respond, willing myself not to cry. "Thank you for being a real mother to me." She smiles, hugging me again. After that Ben and I leave, before we fall apart.

"I don't want to leave."

The two of us were on the plane back to Tucson, neither of us ready to jump back into tour life just yet. "I know, but you heard the doctors. You'll have time to see her again, and they even said there's a chance everything will be ok. She's in good hands."

"I know, but still."

He was right, and there was nothing left for me to say. There was nothing worse than this.

I started to wonder if things were ever going to be ok again. I hadn't felt like myself in so long, and I knew Ben was even worse off. I spoke pretty optimistically with Ben about his mom, but the truth is, her disease was aggressive and there was no known cure. We all knew what was coming. She was the most important person in the world to Ben, and her being gone would change everything.

I feel Ben's head rest on my shoulder, and I lean over and kiss his forehead. With everything that's going on, I find myself feeling grateful if he's able to get even a few minutes of peaceful sleep. I close my eyes, praying for the hundredth time this week that things would go back to normal. "Happy Valentine's Day, Ben. Here's to many more... that are much better than this one." 

A/N: Oh hey just me ripping my own heart out again how is everyone