Endless

36 Days Before

36 DAYS BEFORE

I have never known freedom like this. Stepping out into the fresh air outside the treatment facility, free, without the dread of having to return. No worry of having to be trapped inside, motionless, undistracted, allowing the demons free run of my mind.

Out in the fresh air i can feel them float away, its as if there is more room out here, like they can occupy a small space of my mind that seems a million miles away.

I take small slow steps, breathing it all in and I feel a smile fall simply into place on my face as Noah enters my mind. I can't wait to see him. Olivia had given me directions to the precinct before i went in so that i would know where to go. She said Noah wouldn't go into preschool that day so that i could see him; but i'm a day early.

He may not be there yet.

* * *

Noah wasn't very well this morning, so he is currently curled up on the floor of my office with his book and a blanket. I sit behind my desk trying to make a dent in my never ending paperwork, occassionally glancing over at my son to make sure he is okay.

"Noie honey are you okay down there?" i ask, his favourite book never leaving his side. Him not feeling well is making him miss Peyton even more than normal.

"Yeah momma, me tired, and my tummy hurts." his bottom lip quivers as he tries his hardest not to cry.

"Why don't you take a nap then baby?" he nods and wraps his blanket tighter around himself before laying his head on his hands and closing his eyes.

My door crashes open at that moment as my detective's file into my office.

"Sergeant we have some more information," Nick bellows as he enters. I tell him to shush and then point at Noah on the floor.

"Sorry Liv." he winces.

"It's okay, what have you got?" i whisper.

* * *

This cab ride seems to be taking forever.

I stare out the window and feel like i could fall into the beautiful blue sky, it just seems bluer through the window of this cab. Much bluer than it was when i was starring at it through the windows of that darn facility. I wind down my window as we hit the city traffic, for the first time i don't mind it. I mean we aren't at a stand still but we aren't moving smoothly either; but i just don't care. I just missed it.

I stick my head out the window to feel a breeze blow my long ombrae curls behind me, god this city is so refreshing. The sounds of the city surround me and make me feel safe for the first time in a long time. 'Get your hot dogs' the sellers voice echos in my ear as a smile graces my face, i can smell the pretzels baking and i willingly breath it in. The idea of eating one on the other hand is scary but smelling for now it's satisfying.

A police siren sounds and i watch it speed around the corner, i listen clearfully even long after it fades away. My heart swells as i am reminded of Liv and Noah.

* * *

Mike and I climb into our borrowed Sedan as we make our way to the Manhattan Police station. Nothing but dread fills my heart and mind as i think about walking back into the familliar squad room that was my home for so many years. The memories of that last day rattle around in my subconscious.

"You alright man?" Mike says.

I stare intently at the road, well traffic, infront of me, "yeah just focused i guess."

"Do you think she will be there?" i know exactly who he is talking about and as i slow to a stop behind a car infront of us i close my eyes and breathe.