Once upon a time, long long ago, far far away in a world called No Logyc Tech, there lived a little girl named Apple.
Apple was a very cute little girl who was very rich and liked listening to music and often wore metallic coloured clothes and white accessories and whatever else non-existent girls in fictional worlds wear.
Because Apple was a rich and spoiled little missy, she had a bodyguard. The bodyguard's name was iTunes. If someone wanted to befriend Apple, they had to get through iTunes. If someone wanted to talk to Apple, Mr. iTunes was there. Overall he was a big pain in the ass. But once people got to know iTunes, he wasn't as big an asshole as he looked...which really didn't solve the problem of his bodyguard-ness. A really big negative times a small positive was still a big negative.
Yay, maths.
So , iTunes was an ass. A small ass. Ack, that sounds awful.
But anyways, that was before he evolved. Like a Pokemon. But Pokemon evolutions are so much better. Seriously, to think that a useless little red goldfish thing that I found no need to remember the name of, could turn into a gigantic blue Gyarados. Just wow.
Anyways, Apple had a bodyguard called iTunes who was an ass and she also had lots and lots of friends. By 'friends', I mean it in the loosest definition of the word, because really, as if a little kid would know what real friends are.
"You're my bestest fwend in the whole world." Next day, "You stole my toy! I'm not twalking to you anymore!"
So, Apple had lots of "friends". None of which I am actually bothered to list right now so I shall just move on.
As Apple grew up, she became more and more popular. She started doing what all her other friends were doing. She got herself smartphones and computers and laptops and table-et things and that attracted lots of people. They flocked to her like starving hyenas flocked to...dead stuff. Wait, hyenas don't flock. Gah, screw it.
As they got older the children became more competitive with each other. Especially one of Apple's not-friends, Samsung. But Samsung had always been up there on the tech-savvy-ness scale of prettiness, so Apple decided she needed to up her game. She had to find a way to stay on top, now that Motorola had suspiciously gone MIA. And Blackberry had had her time in the spotlight, time to move on lady.
HTC? Psht, what competition can come from that child? (Nokia will always be that awkward, macho chick lurking in the background whose strength everyone deeply respected.)
Samsung was popular. Very much on par with Apple. But Samsung didn't have a bodyguard so people found her so much more approachable. Then again, Apple had that 'star' quality that was just so professional.
It was pretty even.
But then one day,
The Fire Nation attacked.
No, jokes.
Apple starting being a little shit trying to act all fashionista following the models on TV being all tall and anorexic and she never wore her clothes twice. Because recycling was just too mainstream.
But wait, there's more.
APPLE MADE MR ITUNES GET A FACE LIFT. HE EVOLVED. FROM A DECENT CHARIZARD TO A LICKITUNG. WHAT KIND OF F$!@ING ASSFACE THOUGHT OF THE IDEA OF MAKING A NEW SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T ALLOW THE OLD SYSTEM STUFF TO WORK ON IT. LIKE SERIOUSLY. HOW SELF CENTERED DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO MAKE PEOPLE HAVE TO STAY UP TO DATE WITH YOU?!?
SERIOUSLY WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA TO CREATE A PROGRAM SO THAT US PEASANTS CANNOT JUST OPEN THE IPOD IN MY COMPUTER AND DRAG A SONG ONTO IT?!? AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW F&$@!NG IRRITATING IT IS TO LUG THIS LOG OF METAL AROUND? JEANS WERE NOT MADE FOR 12CM LONG PHONES. WHY CAN'T YOU CONFORM TO NORMAL SOCIETY JUST THIS ONCE AND BE A GOOD CONVENIENT INNATE PIECE OF TRASH?!? DO YOU SEE ANYONE MAKING CLOTHES TO SUIT YOU?!? CHINA DOES NOT COUNT. SO DO YOU?!?
THAT'S RIGHT, I DIDN'T F*CKING THINK SO.
AND WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE THE DEVICE LINK TO ONLY 1 COMPUTER?!? I MEAN SURE U RAISED IT TO 5 BUT REALLY?!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN THAT HAS CAUSED ME THE LAST 6 YEARS?!? AND EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS DESTROYED/LOST/HAD THE COMPUTER/LAPTOP STOLEN?!? AND GOD FORBID IF YOU HAVE AN OLD LAPTOP THAT BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER. GOOD LUCK SYNCING YOUR JUNK. LET ME TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE. IT TAKES 10 HOURS. AND NOT EVERYTHING WORKS.
SO FUCK YOU APPLE. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOD.
...
Oh shit I was in the middle of a story.
Right, er...where was I...
Yeah screw that.
Apple suddenly fell down the stairs because she tripped on her 50 inch high heels, thus allowing her brain to have its first taste of air.
Everyone in No Logyc Tech world was so shocked they all had heart attacks and died. Without mortals the world soon disintergrated and self combusted because science.
But alas, t'was not the end of Apple and co. Because their souls were still alive, if souls even have life, and they drifted in space, searching for a place where they could be reborn and thus torture more people.
The end.
