Love is patient...

Matt and I have known each other for a very, very long time. I knew exactly when he was happy or sad and hopeless. I have always been there for him, doesn't matter if it was when his life hit the hard bottom or he was targeting something new. I've been right by his side when his relationship was facing some troubles and when everything was perfectly fine. I was always trying to give him the best advice and just be the best friend. I've been doing all this stuff even though I knew that deep down inside there was something more. It took me quite some time before I realised that I'm in love with him. Why haven't I told him that then? Simply, I just didn't want to ruin our friendship. All of our friends knew about my feelings, some of them even tried to convince me to tell him the truth, so when the right day came and I have decided to do it, the accident happened. The horrible accident in which Matt's girlfriend, Madison, had died. How could I tell him now? How could I be so selfish and tell him that I love him? He needed me now, more than he ever did. I really didn't want to cause any more troubles, so I just was there for him, every night and every day, wiping his tears. My heart's been breaking into million pieces every time I saw him, I could feel his pain and the fact that I couldn't really do anything to help him was killing me...
Weeks were passing by, months, years - Matt's been dealing with his loss all this time but he finally started to seeing other people, friends and that made me very happy. At least some progress! He even got back to the band which due to the circumstances and lack of vocalist has been kinda forced to go on a break. But now they were back and on tour, not the big one tough but we all have to start somewhere, right? I was so happy seeing Matt doing what he's been best at, when he was standing on the stage behind the microphone or playing the guitar - I've got this feeling that it helped him forget about the world for a while. I was trying my best to be there whenever they were performing. Oh god, they were amazing! Like there was no break at all, they were natural and they loved what they were doing.
It was after one of their shows when we all were sitting in a bar, enjoying and celebrating their little success that I caught a glimpse of a smile on Matt's face. Honestly, I could not remember the last time I saw him like that, happy. Every time he'd smiled he was glowing, his eyes were smiling too. Oh, he's got some beautiful blue eyes that I could look in all the time. I was so concerned about him being happy that I haven't notice I've been staring at him.
- Is there something on my face? - he asked.
I could feel the red heat building up on my face.
- No, no... - I stuttered.
- Why are you staring at me like that then?
- Me? Oh, no... I'm... No... Uhm, hey guys, you know what? I think today is a good day to break my abstinence, what do you think?
As I supposed they all looked at me like they've never seen me before. Well, I can't blame them, actually. I've had a very bad experience with an alcohol and ever since I didn't touch an ounce of it. Tonight, however, I felt the real urge to pour some spirits down my throat.
- I'll have some as well. - Matt said.
I gave him a quick look. No, he can't do that, he was on rehab, he just can't.
- Matt, you know you can't... - I panicked.
- Come on, it's not like I'm gonna get back to being addicted. - he reassured me.
- Ok, then, I'm gonna bring us some beers. - Neil offered himself to go to the bar.
Few minutes later we were holding our bottles high in the air, making a toast. I really don't know what have gotten into me but within one second I found myself holding Matt's hand. And that was it. In the very same second he looked at me and all I could see was the full rage and anger in his eyes. He clenched his teeth hard, put his bottle back on the table with all strength I was wondering how it was even possible that the bottle didn't burst into pieces. He took his hand out of mine like the touch of my skin burned him. And he left with no words, leaving me there with eyes full of tears. He could've as well slapped me in my face, wouldn't make any difference really.
- Matt... - I whispered.
Everyone was standing there, shocked. Suddenly I felt someone touched my shoulder so I turned. It was Brad.
- Hey, don't you worry, ok?
I just nodded. Easy to say. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to burn to ashes on the spot, I was so embarrassed. I couldn't stand any more time being there so I quickly grabbed all my stuff and went outside, I wanted to go home. I found my car keys and went where my car was parked. I tried to open the doors but my hands were shaking so the key kept slipping out of my hand. I was exhausted, my anxiety got to the point that I could only smashed the window with my open hand like it would help me get inside. I really wanted to be home right now.
I took a deep breath. Even being an emotional wreck in this moment my senses were on point. I could feel someone was standing behind me. I turned around just to stand face to face with Matt. It was like I've swallowed a massive ice cube, everything inside me did freeze. I didn't know what to expect so I was just standing there waiting for his move.
- I'm sorry. - he said.
I do not recall myself having hearing issues.
- I'm sorry, Mary. I'm sorry for everything.
I still didn't know what he meant.
- Matt...
- Please, let me speak.
I nodded.
- I'm really sorry for what I have done there... You've been the best friend one could ever had yet it didn't stop me from being an ass and treat you like a total stranger... All you wanted to do was to support me and I've pushed you away. I'm sorry. - he said.
I had no idea how to respond. Of course I was a friend, what else could I possibly be? I had to accept that. I will never be anything more than just a friend.
- It's okey, Matt, you don't have to apologise. - I was trying so hard to make my voice sound as calm as possible but from the inside I was broken.
- No, Mary, you don't understand it's not just that. It's everything else... - for the very first time he just looked straight into my eyes.
And again I couldn't understand what he was talking about. At this point I thought I'd rather hear him all he wanted to say once and for all even if that meant to leave my heart broken. But on the other hand was it even possible to break it more than it already was?
- Mary, is that true? - he asked out of sudden.
- What? I don't know what you're talking about.
- I've heard people talking.
- And? Can you stop talking riddles, please? I don't know what people are talking about. Why should I even bother to care? Matt, I've had enough, okey, I just want to go home! - I literally exploded and don't even know why.
I felt his hands gently squeezing my arms so I just looked at him.
- Is that true that you love me? - I could see nothing but sadness in his blue eyes.
- Matt, please, not now... - I was trying to wriggle my way out but it was impossible.
- Aren't we friends? Can't we be honest with each other anymore? Mary, tell me, please.
I've closed my eyes shut. I was somewhere in between stone and a hard place. I knew anything I would say could've been used against me but I don't think I had anything to lose now.
- Okey, I love you. I love you since I can remember, can I go home now?
- Oh god, Mary...
- What? Do you really think I wanted it to happen? I was trying not to love you. I tried to fight it, pushed it away from me but I couldn't!
- Why didn't you tell me before?
- When was I supposed to tell you that? Well it's not like it matters anymore, anyways. We are friends and that's absolutely fine. I mean if we're still ones...
He looked at me carefully. What was he thinking about? I didn't know. I did not want to know. I was just praying for him to not hate me because that I wouldn't be able to bear.
- Not even once did you let me think that you might've had any feelings for me, through all these years, why is that?
- Because I didn't want to lose you. Our friendship is, was more important to me. To think that I could live a life without you in it was too painful so I'd rather stay quiet. And you know way too well how it is, Matt, to be without that one person you care about the most, don't you? To love that one person so much that the slightest thought of losing her is leaving you lifeless. You know that because you've had that one person in your life already, it was Madison.
- Did you...
- Yes, Matt, I did love you already at that time when you've been with her.
- I'm so sorry, Mary, I really am so sorry...
- Yeah, I feel sorry for myself too, Matt.
I've finally managed to get out of his hold and opened my car. I've thrown my handbag to the empty seat next to mine and was just about to get in the car when I felt him turning me around again. It took me several seconds to realise that I've been kissed. Kissed by him. Suddenly I felt I'm gonna fall down, my legs became so weak I couldn't stand. But I didn't care, I just kissed him back. I've been waiting for that for so long... I remember I've always been wondering how it would be to kiss him. Now I knew it was the best feeling in the world. His lips were soft, his tongue was gently making its way in to my mouth. I could feel his arms around me, holding me tightly. It felt so safe being hold by him. I so wanted it to last forever...
- Mary...
- What was that? - what a brilliant question I asked!
- Mary, will you ever forgive me if I tell you that...
I started to feel quite strange, it was not how it was supposed to be, not at all. Was it even going to go any further? I think that was the moment when I should just leave. Unless I wanted to lose the rest of the dignity that had left there. And that's what I did, I gently pushed him away and got into my car. I was about to shut the door when he blocked it and ducked right next to me.
- I love you.
I turned my head within a split second. Was he kidding me right now or what? But he wasn't, I saw it in the way he looked at me, he was serious.
- I've lost my way, Mary, I'm lost... - tears shone in his eyes. - I don't know what to do... I don't know what should I do!
- Matt... - I said softly, touching his shoulder.
He grabbed my hand and hold it close to his face.
- I am so mad at myself! Madison was everything to me, she was my life! When she died I've lost it all, nothing else mattered. I wanted to die too... - Matt was crying, hugging her thighs like a child. - But I had you... Everytime I needed you, you were there for me and I honestly don't know how you could stand that. I got used to your presence, I was addicted to you and that's when I realised that I love you. And it wasn't the love that friends share... I knew I loved you. But I loved Madison too, I will always love her... I really hated this feeling, I even tried to hate you because you reminded me about loving someone... I am so, so sorry...
I was sitting there unable to say a word. He seemed so small now, so miserable and lost. And what he's apologising for?
- Matt, look at me, please...
It took him few seconds, like he wasn't sure what to do. But he looked at me after all. I've wiped his tears like I've been doing it before.
- Madison is gone, she's dead, Matt. I know it's hard to accept. But just because she's not here anymore doesn't mean that you need to torture yourself and act like you were dead too. You have any right to live your life, to love and to be loved by someone else. And I'm pretty sure that wherever she is now she just wants you to be happy.
Matt kept looking at me, thinking. And then he smiled, just like that.
- If you need more time, you can have it, Matt. I'm not going to force anything onto you.
- I don't need any more time. What I need is you.
- And you have me. You've always had and you always will. I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
He leaned forward, pulled me but closer and kissed me again. The world around me was spinning like crazy. I didn't know if I'm dreaming or if it was real, I didn't care.
- I love you, Mary. - he whispered somewhere in between one kiss and another.