Dearest thoughts,
In order to keep some structure, I am gonna set myself some rules:
1. Everything written holds truth
2. Names will be changed, Locations will not (unless this somehow gets big)
3. Don't regret what you wrote
4. Take careful consideration in choice of words
5. Remember to keep writing
Now that is over and done with, let's get into some real shit..
Before I go into the heartbreak of today, I have to bring up the heartbreak of yesterday. Back in the summer of 2017, I was on a once and a lifetime trip in Germany. It was very beautiful, and the food was delicious. I'd love to get more into it, but I have a set topic on which my brain just needs a sweet release of all these feelings I've been holding in for so long. So while on this wonderful trip, I was talking to this guy, we'll call Kaleb, I knew through school. You see, this guy and I had a thing prior, but things had fell through. Well, during this trip we're started talking again and I agreed to let him take me on a date. I was super excited. This was going to be my first date in all my 17 years of life! I was also extremely nervous, since I didn't know what to expect. The day ends up coming and we share our date. He picked me up, got us panda express, and we watched back to the future. Well.. okay we had sex. He was the third guy I had sex with, and the second one had killed himself a couple weeks before (also another discussion). By the way, before I sound horrible, I wasn't dating second guy and it happened months after we had sex. Anyways, this sex was special to me. It was awkward but okay and silly. Whenever me and Kaleb had sex, I didn't stress over doing "it" right. I was in love with him. We'd lay naked together and just listen to the sounds of the night and each others breath. I felt warm and truly loved. I had NEVER in my life experienced love. How do I know it was love? I guess I don't. What I do know is that I have never felt that with another guy, and still haven't to this day. After 3 beautiful months of me gushing over my perfect guy who I was gonna last a lifetime with, he left me. The night before, he was at a party where he had flirted with some girls. I was hurt. Deeply. Believe me. But I was more hurt that he didn't want to stay and fix things. He wanted to go. Of course I let him. As much as I loved him, he couldn't be forced to stay with me. He made the decision on his own. I tried for the longest time to let him go. I had to block him. I was hurt seeing him so okay and fine, and happy while I stayed home an emotional wreck crying to myself with no one to turn to and he was getting hot or not and tinder to fuck bitches. And yet, when I had unblocked him he said he missed me. Then his missed mes turned into him kissing me. Not too much later he was making love to me again and holding me. He said he loved me, and that he wasn't having sex with anyone else. Just me. So tell me why when I flipped out on a girl for commenting on his picture was I blamed and looked poorly at. He still wanted to be single. He loves me but he's not IN love with me. And apparently he had thought about getting back together with me, until I had fucked up and made him a lil too jealous. A guy was literally just biting my hand. Part of me wants to believe he didn't mean it and he just said that to fuck with my head and get all guilty and sad. Stuck as his little puppet. BUT all of me whole heartily swears up and down that I RUINED the chances of ever being with the one I love. People don't understand, because we're so young. Why does it seem impossible to meet your soul mate at a young age? I don't care what anyone says. I have been in multiple relationships since then, and I feel the same during each one. My heart yearns for Kaleb. I am currently in a relationship and ever since I looked up and saw Kaleb's face in the store, I knew. That I would rather die alone, than be with literally anyone that's not Kaleb. I am 18 years old and my emotions are tense, raw, and real.
Sincerly,
Randy
