Diary of an Emotional Asshole

Monday, September 17

Before I start this, I just want to thank the people who read this.  I know that no one has to read my writing so I really appreciate you. 

    Now that I've brought up the most important thing that has happened in my life, I can explain my feelings. ¡¡ Self harm trigger warning !!

In my last writing, I explained how important my dad was to me. Losing him is and will always be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He left my mom, my two sisters, and me alone.
My mom and I have never been close. I'm not close enough to her to tell her anything because she doesn't believe in depression and is a little homophobic. She always thought I was annoying so she would leave me with my dad a lot. My mom would get mad if I would laugh or sing or just do anything. She just hated me. I'm not saying I was an angel, but today she still sees me as the kid I was. She won't let me grow.
After my dad died I realized she was all I had. I became really clingy and paranoid because I was afraid that she would die anytime I wasn't with her. She started going out late at night and I started staying up late to wait for her. I know I sound annoying, but i was just a little kid who just lost their dad. Of course I'm going to worry.
She started to dislike me all together so I treated her the same way. I blocked her number and just ignored her. I wouldn't even look at her in the eyes. She noticed. She cared and then she stopped. I continued. We couldn't talk about it. Anytime I want to address something to her she blames me and calls me names. It's always my fault.
Two years after my dad died, I was sad about losing him but I had good friends. I didn't have a phone, I would play outside or with toys. My life was over all okay. One day I was using my moms phone to text my friend and she got a message from a guy. I knew exactly what that meant. Plus she had been getting calls from the same guy and she would always lock the door. They were obviously dating or at least talking. I grew very sad. I would go to school and I'd be so sad I'd just cry. My friends would help me and comfort me. It was hard but I wasn't alone.
Then, I was in middle school. Middle school was the absolute worst. If I saw myself in middle school I would hate myself. I was fake and hung out with bad people. I was a bad person. I was a bully. Just another rude kid.
My elementary friends said I was rude so it was awkward when we hung out. I decided to make new friends. I could've just, i don't know, BE NICER! I met this girl named "Chelsea". She was funny and we had a class together so I asked if I could sit with her at lunch. She sat with these girls named "Janae, Carol and Lisa". I knew them already from elementary. Janae had invited me to her birthday party once but I didn't really remember talking to her. She would be mean to me for no reason after school, so I wasn't happy to see her. Carol used to be my best friend. But she got jealous of me because this girl that was BOTH of our friend liked me more supposedly. She wrote this note calling me stupid but put the other girls name so I immediately stopped hanging out with her. Lisa was also a friend of mine but we never really talked. We just knew each other and our moms would make us hang out for some reason but we didn't hang out at school. I almost forgot. There was another girl. I'll call her "Maya". I never met her before. She was bisexual and apparently had a crush on all of them so we wouldn't talk to her a lot, at least I wouldn't. I remember I was rude to her, not because she was bisexual, she was annoying sometimes and would think out loud. I only brought up the fact that she was bi because Chelsea and Janae would feel uncomfortable since she had a crush on them. Everything was okay. I would only talk to Chelsea because I didn't like Janae, Carol or Maya. Lisa was quiet so I never thought about talking to her.
By now I had a phone so I would text them on KIK. I don't know how it started. We had a group chat but I would start to mainly text Janae. We would even walk after school. She would talk bad about Chelsea. She would just complain about everything that Chelsea does and how Chelsea copies her. To be fair, Chelsea would copy her. But Chelsea and Janae were the best of friends. Always together. So i was confused because if you heard what Janae would say about Chelsea you would think that she hated her. We all put Janae on a throne for some reason. All Janae would do is make fun of people and say bad words. We found it hilarious. I could go on and on about all the bad things we did but it doesn't matter. It's in the past. The past that I just want to leave me alone. The past that will always haunt me.
Life was an endless cycle. I'd hang out with my friends. I'd talk to them on the phone. Sleep. That's all. My life revolved around them. But hanging out with my friends wasn't fun. We talked bad about people who didn't do anything to us. Total strangers. If one of us was gone we'd talk about that person. I would try to never be absent so that wouldn't happen. Even though they could've just texted each other. So along with having toxic friends and being a toxic person, my mom was still dating but keeping it a 'secret' and i was still alone. So what did I do? I self harmed. Everyday.
My mom was never home, my sister was always in her room and I ignored my friends. I didn't always want to talk about someone so of course I would ignore them. It was too hard to make new friends. They knew me and they could've destroyed me if they wanted to. I was scared. So I stayed with them. Then, one summer day I told them that I didn't want to be their friend anymore. And that was the messiest thing I have ever done. I don't regret leaving but I could've done it better. I told them about all the things they did that I didn't like and of course I was called a hypocrite. Of course I was. I stayed and didn't tell them at the time. All that mattered to me was that I was done with them. I've been very happy without them. I don't talk bad about people, I don't say a lot of bad words and I'm nicer.
I still self harmed. Everything was stressing me out. I didn't have any friends. I switched schools. I had to restart. Luckily, none of us really told anyone. People just noticed that I wasn't with them anymore. I met this girl who had gone through the same thing. We would talk but we didn't have anything in common and I just didn't know what to say. She always had her earbuds in her ears so I wouldn't talk to her. Even at lunch. Then she said she would start sitting with her cousins so I stopped talking to her. It's not like we were close anyway. But now she acts as if I was the rude one. She doesn't like me but I made new friends so I don't even notice her.
This is when my sister and I started to get closer. But I'll continue this in the next chapter tomorrow.