Burning soul

So, for once, I sat down. Looked at the paper in front of me, thinking to myself, "why keep on writing this shit or drawing things that don't match the reality?

So here I am, in the middle of the night, about to tell you about my little horrible life. So why don't you just lean back and try to enjoy!

Well look at me, the first time you see me you probably don't think much of me existing and why should you? I'm a nobody, or until you know me, then I can fill up the room if I want to! I'm sitting here thinking about what to tell you, trying to be honest with you.

For all the women out there who got raped yesterday? You are probably expecting me to tell you that you are strong and are going to get through this shit, just ask for some help, right?

I'm not, you are going to break down, you are going to hate yourself and everything about you and keep on asking yourself why you did that to yourself! And that's okay, it's okay not wanting to breathe anymore, it's okay to reject people, it's okay to push everyone away!

You see, you have been broken, violated, destroyed in a way no one who hasn't been there can understand completely, they feel the creeps of the thought if it happened to them, but that's such a small part of how it feels when it's done!

I'm not going to tell you, that you are going to get better, you don't, it keeps coming back as a horrifying nightmare and for a long time, no one is going to be allowed to touch you.

I never got better, I just kept feeling numb, but I can have sex this day without crying and I can love it, but there is always going to be a part of me, who is always going to feel that feeling I felt those nights where a boy didn't understand the word NO! And that makes me think, why did everyone teach me how to protect myself, my whole life when I didn't stand a chance when it happened? Instead of teaching boys not to rape!! And yeah, I know some girls' rapes too, but why don't we start by teaching people not to rape and then how to protect themselves?

And one thing I can't stand! "It wasn't your fault" NO IT ISN'T IF IT WAS IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FREAKING RAPE!! I get okay, I get that people want to help and make you feel better, but how is that supposed to make me feel better? It still fucking happened.

I'm sorry for my language, but I think it's about damn time that someone kicks this shit in people's heads.

Here is to all the people who have been touched without wanting someone to and didn't do anything because of chock! To those who have been touched while they were asleep or at any time you didn't want someone to. You don't deserve a life like that, people should respect you, I do! Because you are still here, breathing, trying to get through every day without crying, without thinking about it. I'm proud of everyone who gets 's through these things. Why? Because I been there too, without anyone who was proud of me.

This one goes to the drug addicts!

Stop that shit! Whatever that shitty drug makes you feel, it isn't worth it, I'm not saying life is either and I know it can be hard to get through this shitty ass world and it is a shitty ass world, with a lot of shitty people, yeah sometimes I want to get high on drug to escape but come on guys! We all know that reality is going to hit you when you aren't high and then you take more and boom you dead! I'm not saying death is the worst thing, I'm just saying is it worth it?

I mean, I got some pretty nice friends, I choose them over death, just saying! But maybe that's the difference! Maybe you don't have that, or you do but they are also on drugs and the only way you can manage to be together is by drugs, that's fair. I quit smoking because what if I actually was the one who died from cancer and had to make all of my friends sad? I can't do that to them! No way! But it is okay that you want an escape out of this world.

To the people whom parents are getting divorced or has been. I know it's hard and that shit is underrated! I can't count how many times people made it seem like nothing! But it takes so much space in your life and believes me I know! I'm going through it for the second time, families who promise to stay in contact but doesn't want anything to do with you? Yeah it hurts, and I swear, it's okay to cry yourself to sleep those nights and it's okay to ruin your hands when you smash them against the wall! It's all okay. Yell at your parents! Get it out of your system and then get better!

And if you don't get better? Then that's okay!

To those who got violated as kids!

It's okay to lie about your bruises! It's okay, no one can tell you when you are ready to talk about it or if you ever are going to be! It's okay that you can't defend yourself that well, it's okay, you did what you could! Just keep going.

To those with anxiety and panic attacks!

I know it feels like you are drowning but remember! You will breathe again! And that there is nothing wrong with you!

To those with depression!

The sky will always be grey and that's okay.

Here I am, sitting in the middle of the night, thinking about all the time's someone did me wrong and what I should have done! All the times I tried to ignore the words "I regret you" "it's your fault" "you are a fault"

No, I'm not!! I'm a human and that is okay!

So yeah, I drink too much, yeah, I kiss the wrong boys, yeah my dad was abusive and yes I got sexual violated a lot of times!

The wall and my skin were the way I dealt with all the pain inside that's still grows today! My soul is on fire, I can't breathe properly, and I get anxious all the damn time! And it is okay because I'm just a human with a difficult life!

And that's okay!