12:12 am
Damn. Idk , where to begin.
I'll start with Dear Elijah ,
I am your bestfriend. You're my bestfriend. You're the only one I want my future with. I'm a little mad cause I'm suppose to be pregnant right now , but stuff happens.
Yes , i repeatedly hurt you and there is no excuse for that. I just need you to know that I never thought of the whole native chick. I forgot about her , honestly. You are right , if it was the other way around I would be losing my mind. Id be spinning out of control. I need you to know something tho. I got your breakup letter on a Monday afternoon. The Monday I got my ass chewed in court for going off to Idaho. Same Monday I got your letter and kicked out of that home (SAL). That day was beyond the worst day of the week. I was so devastated to see you wanting to leave me. I was so hurt and confused.. but I snapped quick out of my feelings because I knew I couldn't force you into being involved with something you were scared of. I was tired of fighting. Ya know? So I said , fuck it. I was there for you as much as I was capable of. I guess you didn't quite see that.
I was pissed for a while. Thought I was going to make you happy at our last visit. I dressed up for you. I did my best to get a smile out of you. I just wanted you to be proud to have me. I thought I was doing it all right. Just to find out , none of my actions helped.. You broke my heart that week. I felt unappreciated.. I felt like all I did was a waste.
This evening our conversation could of went better , but there was a lot that needed to be said also. All I want and need you to know is that I want you. I'll tell you a million times. I ONLY WANT YOU! I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I won't let it happen again. You're my everything , Elijah Lee. What we have together can't be found anywhere else. I refuse to let you go. If I could , I'd marry you right now. Here's to our clean slate. Here's to forgiveness and to family. Here's to the followers on the sidelines. Through thick and thin ; through anything life throws at us. We're a team.
#bockSquad
I've been lost for awhile now. Since I got kicked out of the Salvation Army. I fought n clawed to keep my head about ground. I was complying with everything I needed. Something clicked tho. Something somewhere released all the screws in my brain. The screws I had worked so damn hard on! I slowly began drifting away. No , not even running. I began "drifting". Like , I slowly started to see no success. I felt nothing was going anywhere.
"Are you giving up?" A question I'm scared most of. A question I never thought I'd have to hear. "Are you giving up?". The last thing I want is to give up, I'd be giving up on myself. Then again , I have no idea what's going on with me.
