Confused, silent, and suicidal

The beginning of my end

Today was one of those days that start out horrible, before you even wake up.

I was woken up by my twin sister yelling and jumping on my bed.

" Come on Gene! It's the first day of school, you can't sleep in all day!", she yelled.

I tried blocking her out the best I could, but I knew there was no use with her. My sister was very...persistent.

I opened up my eyes to find a face like my own, exactly like my own matter a factly. We were identical twins, the only differences between us was that my eyes were a paler grey, my skin was a lighter brown, my hair was longer and blonder, I had freckles, and I was the shorter of us.

" Ariana!", I yelled. "Get off of me, it's not even a big deal!", I yelled.

She laughed. " Are you fucking me right now!", she screeched. " Now get up, we don't want to be late to our first day at Winters High school."

" Speak for yourself!", I said. " I'm surprised you even want to, we always have a hard time."

" yeah, but I heard that most of the people from middle school aren't going to WHS, so we'll be fine.", she said.

I scowled. She did have a point, and she knew it. It could be one of those twin telepathy things or the fact that I had a permanent scowl on my face.

"Ugh!", I groaned. " Fine, but I'm only going if we can do that thing where we dress alike."

The only reason I agreed was partly because I wanted to do that whole twin dress alike thing, and partly because I had no idea how convincing my face was. Looking into her grey eyes I just couldn't say no. Was that really how I looked? It was a complicated situation. I always thought that I was absolutely ugly, but I would never call my sister ugly, because well she wasn't, she was beautiful. Am I really that beautiful? No, no way I'm hideous. But maybe just maybe it's possible for someone to actually think I was beautiful, people always say it but is it true? No, not possible?

"Genesis!", she yelled snapping me back to the reality. " I'll do the dumbass twin thing", she chuckled.

" Seriously!", I laughed.

She nodded " Just nothing to pink", she said.

" No problem", I said. " I'll let you pick the outfit, I'm feeling a little moody and depressed so pick something dark and long sleeves to hide my scars. "

I was looking down at the floor when I said that until I felt her cold hands move my face to my eye contact. I looked up into tear brimmed eyes of my own.

" Please Genesis, don't cut and try committing suicide...again.", she said her voice cracking on the last few words. A single tear streamed down her cheek. Ariana was one of the few people that cared enough to constantly ask me to stop cutting and trying to end it for myself , even though she knew it was no use, it didn't stop her from asking.

I tried to find the right words. I was know sitting up looking her directly in the eye, while she was sitting on my legs, each of her legs on the opposite side of my body and her hair in a messy bun on top of her head with single strands of hair falling in her face. I looked the same way, I moved a piece of hair out of my face before answering.

" I'll stop cutting, once you stop burning", I said with a slight smile.

" I'm serious Genesis", she said with a straight face. " what If one of these days you actually exceed and you end up dying, you have no idea how much I'd hurt, me and mommy will end up dying of a broken heart." She said more tears spilling out.

I hadn't realized I was crying myself until she wiped a tear away, I did the same to her.

" please, I'm not worth crying for and I'm not worth dying for, I'm not that important, I'm sorry." I said taking shaky breaths in between my words.

" Shutup", she slightly laughed. " you know you're way to important to a lot of people to say that, I love you, a lot of people love you, and you have no idea how much damage you could do to a lot of people if you were gone, and stop apologizing you have nothing to apologize for, you just have no idea how perfect and innocent you are."

We just sat there staring at eachother, anticipating whether or not to continue talking about this before we both break into tears balling our eyes out.

I decided to speak first. " Have-Have you ever felt like you don't know what's going on anymore? Like you don't care about anything anymore. You've lost your motivations to do anything. You hate your appearance so much it stings, and- and you can't explain how you feel. You have that feeling of emptiness, and the feeling that no one is there for you. That feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there's nothing to look forward to anymore?" I finished now crying harder then before.

She nodded.

I exhaled loudly. " yeah, I get the feelings too, s'all good", I said.

" No it's not, you say it's all good, when it's not, not for any of us", she said also balling.

" I know you may be hurting now, but darling it will get better. The frown on your face will turn into a smile, a real smile, the tears on your cheeks will wash away, and your tears of sadness will turn into tears of happiness, one day, some day. Maybe even sooner then you think", she said crying forcing a smile.

I couldn't help but hug my sister. I hugged her -tight- and she hugged me back-tighter- both of us crying on each others shoulders, the perks of being a twin, you have a lifetime best friends, thats always there for you.

" Thankyou", I croaked on her shoulder. She smelled of coconut and mango her signature scent. My signature scent was Strawberries🍓

" No problem, gorgeous", she said. " Now, we should probably start getting ready, we spent like 15 minutes talking, we have to leave at 10:15, and it's 8:58, and you know we both take 1 hour to get ready, individually.", she laughed, pulling away from our embrace.

I laughed too, it felt good to laugh, a real laugh, a loud laugh, all of it felt good.

" Yeah you're right, so dibs on going in the shower first!", I yelled bolting for the our bathroom which was in our bedroom.

" What!". She screeched. " No, that's so unfair!"

I stopped in front of the bathroom door and stuck my tongue out at her.

"Ugh, fine but hurry up, I'll pick out the outfits that we're gonna wear while you're showering." She said defeated😈

" Ok!", I yelled from inside the bathroom." Decide our hair style too!", I yelled turning the water on cold getting in.

I didn't hear what she said after that but I'm sure she agreed. Once I stepped in the ice cold water hit me and I loved it, even though it was the middle of November, no matter the season i loved the cold. It always cooled my nerves when I was distraught.