To the guy who I snubbed and snubbed me back

You left me not broken...but puzzled. 

How could you leave me stuck beneath my worries and exhaustion, where I couldn't even gasp for air?

If there is someone who is confused, think of others. But if there was someone who was confused and clueless...well, think of me. 

Regret. The saddest word in English language. Yes, because I truly regret the day I wasn't able to take a glimpse behind my wooden door where my calendar was quietly placed... The day I snubbed you...unintentionally. 

Back when we were in fourth year high school, where there were tons of paperwork and lined-up school projects that we strictly needed to comply (as expected). Endless duties that pushed us to be committed to our tightest schedule, where we couldn't even try to chat with someone beside us (unless the man of your dreams is that "someone"). And that, really, is the point of this writing. I wasted my most awaited opportunity to talk to you and be noticed by you...again. 

How stupid and retarded was I? Don't you think? To realize that I effortlessly threw that day, that moment, that time, that opportunity, that simply "YOU". I wasted you. Well, you are probably wondering what I am talking about now, but trust me, you are the ultimate reason why this story has been made. 

The pictures of us are still vivid on mind, as if a film that I always watch because I choose to rewind; play; pause, well for a while; but definitely not wanting it to stop. 

Twenty minutes. That was all I had to fill out the blanks which were left unanswered in my Math assignment. (Yes, you feel it right, 'em poor in Math, just so you know). But, thanks God, my good Math buddies, were beside me to rescue...if there's an emergency, you know. 

5:25. The clock reminded me before I realized that there's only five minutes left to aid my complaining tummy. Okay. Okay. I heard your growl, buddy. And so, I started to make a big rush to the canteen, before my Ms. Minchin (terror) Math teacher keeps an eye on me (for being late) as her favorite, which I know could last for the entire week. 

I ran as fast as my feet could. Until... oops! Everything was in slow-mo... when I saw you walking calmly down the stairs. Ugh! How could you show up to me that way as if you're easily burying the time, the seconds away, that I truly, madly, and crazily needed as of this moment? Oh, forget it! Cos I forgot that it was not your fault anyway, it was... it was... it was the timing's fault! Yeah, the timing's fault! Because by the time that I chose to refuse to be aware of your presence; to look into your eyes, pretending that I didn't have the time (well, that's true) and care to create a magical moment with you and unfold our happy ending, I hurriedly walked downstairs instead. 

And. The. Invisibility. Of. My. Presence. In. Your. Eyes. Was. Brought. To. Life. 

My feet were actually dragging my entire body to make a distance from you (though, my tummy stopped temporarily from growling. You're a good appetizer, huh?), but your presence was so powerful that I could not even longer run to buy some stuff. My whole body and soul whispered that they wanted to stay longer, closer to you and forever smell your irresistible scent. But my conscious mind opposed as the clock reminded me again.

"Five minutes. That's all you have, girl! Come on, run!" 

And I did.

Until...

Until...

I heard your beautiful voice.

Your beautiful and stiff voice is still echoing. Still fresh as if music to my ears.

"Ganda." (Beautiful)

You called me as if it was my nickname. 

"Ganda." (Beautiful)

I froze. Really. 

I don't want to assume (I'm not that kind of girl and you know that), but I am certain that only the two of us contained the loneliness of the empty hallway. 

And as I've said, I am not an assuming kid, and so I thought that maybe you were calling someone who deserves that call more than I do. But I know. I know that those words were meant for me. That, that call was addressed for me. You addressed those to me, didn't you?

Because it hit my heart... through my aching heart. Your words. Your two precise adjectives which sang not only to my ears, but also to my heart. Such an adorable love song that I urged to crave for more. Such an adorable love song that I could even marry the singer. 

But for the second time, I ignored you. I ignored your presence. I ignored your two sweet and kind words. I ignored that magical moment. I don't have to ask you because I know and I wholeheartedly admit, I was stupid and retarded. And I still am. I refused your lovely words that I seldom hear from the man I love. I rejected your unimaginable bravery. I abandoned you along the empty hallway--alone, as I chose to run away from hearing those words because I had to beat the time. And that made all the big difference. 

There were instances that our paths accidentally crossed. Times that we were on the same line. Instances where our faces were inches apart and eyes locked. But this time, I have a lot of time. No need to rush and no need to run. I can squarely face and and embrace your presence now. I can now look into your eyes and look into mine. We can now resume that magical moment into an unforgettable experience and unfold the happily-ever-after that is gladly waiting for us. And I can now finally turn my head to warmly embrace your two precise adjectives and smile to show you how glad I was and I am to hear those straight from your mouth. Straight from your heart, that I. AM. BEAUTIFUL. 

But you didn't. 

You never tried again. 

You lacked time. Or should I say, you didn't have the care to hold the time anymore... To change the catastrophic history that we had, and I am sorry for that. For so much disappointment and pain I'd caused you, which even brought anger and bitterness to your heart. Sorry for that moment. I know, you thought about it as if I didn't have the care to hear those beautiful words, but I did. I always do. I know and feel that you perceived me as someone who couldn't appreciate sweet words coming from a lover boy. But I highly appreciated it. 

Before this ends, I just want you to know that I appreciated and loved it, to the point that I tried to redirect that scene (like in the movies), entertaining questions flooding on my mind. As in, all the possibilities.

What if I turned my head?

What if I smiled at you from the very moment I saw you walking downstairs?

What was your expression while uttering those two words?

Were you smiling?

What was your reaction when I ran away?

Were you mad?

Did the smile fade away, in case?

So many "What ifs" and "What was" which became very addicting. It kills me to death without even satisfying my soul. 

Honestly, I am more than willing to give my soul enough rope to hang myself for you to know how deeply sorry I was and I am. What I did really caused you to drain your enthusiasm and interest in me and even soured your mood, letting you make myself invisible in your lovely eyes. 

That moment, I cared about and protected so much the time. But now, what does the time matter when that very beautiful moment was stolen, anyway? This is for the guy who took the courage to call me not by name, but by the way he saw and thought of me. This is for the guy who I snubbed and snubbed me back. 

~An open letter to my high school crush

Yours,

Salutatorian, 2013