Chapter 19

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Chapter 19

Friday night quicker than I thought it would be. My dress, a coral pink that Mom said went well with my tan skin, lays on the bed. Darren is more of a texter than I am. He's the only person that texts me besides Mom, though she barely texts either. Each night this week, he's spammed me with twenty messages, each delving deeper and deeper into his personal life. I thought we weren't even close to knowing each other's middle names, but I guess this was how high school romance went. Share your secrets up front and hope the person still goes to the dance with you.

Obviously, I was the listener in this one-sided relationship. I got used to sending emojis rather than words easier than I would have expected. I still didn't really care for texting. Talking in real life still wasn't fun but it was easier to pick up on social cues than reading what someone was saying through a phone.

Lianna still hovers when we're not working on our project. The only thing she's said to me outside of working is to move over in the kitchen yesterday. She likes her tea with milk. She doesn't like coffee.

And her favorite food is spaghetti.

I really didn't get her.

The only thing I get is when she sneaks into the bathroom to smoke. Carol knows; I know. I don't know if Lianna has caught on that she's not very sneaky but she still breaks out a cigarette whenever she wants.

When I'm lying in bed at night, thinking about how this dance will be the last thing I have to endure for Liza, I also think about Lianna. I wonder what she dreams about. What she wants in life and why she sleeps around. I also wonder why she chooses the guys she chooses. What makes them so special?

It was one night that I broke my phone out and pulled up the porn pages. There on the sidebar, the tag lesbian had been catching my eye. I thought about it. It had crossed my mind. But I quickly closed the browser and decided that porn wasn't for me. Anything remotely looking like sex wasn't for me.

I haven't seen him for a while. He doesn't cross my mind as much. She's taken up his place. I like that. It's better than seeing his face and feeling his touch on my skin. Though, when she comes to visit my mind, she's always the cold and annoying Lianna.

There was a side of her I saw once when she invited me into her room. When she was going over her collection of records and the photos she took herself, it had been like I was watching a completely different person.

Staring down at the coral dress, I wondered if she meant the things she did. A kiss here and there, touches that were beyond friendly. My heart races when I think about it. Should it be that? Should I want her like I should want Darren?

I slip the dress on over my head. The silver shoes are kitten heels. Mom knew well when she bought them that I can't walk in heels. I should thank her for them.

The straps wrap up my ankle, securing the shoes onto my feet. When I stand up, I feel like I'm about to brush against the ceiling. This must be what Lianna feels when she's walking around. She's a giant.

The smile feels foreign on my lips. I spread my arms around and pretend that I'm an airplane. I zoom around the room until I'm out of breath. I collapse onto my back on my bed. The ceiling is white as ever. Like fresh snow before someone walks through it. The beauty never really fades away. It's only the innocence that has been stripped.

I close my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all it takes to live. That's all I have to do to stay alive.

The hallway is empty when I step out with my jacket in my hands. My hair is curled and smells like strawberries. Liza let me borrow some of her peachy lipstick. It looks weird on me, but Liza said it made me look older. She's usually right about those kinds of things.

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