A Temporary Matter

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The notice informed them that it was a temporary matter: for a week their electricity would be cut off for one hour, starting at eight pm. Another line had been brought down by the snowstorm. Thankfully, the three feet of snow Shukumar and I had gotten were finally starting to melt away. That means my husband's excuse for not leaving the house was irrelevant. However, that won't stop him from finding another.

My husband Shukumar was fixing dinner as I walked in. Sometimes, I really envy his lack of activity. I have to work nine to five everyday at my proof reading company, then to the gym, only to come home and work more. Meanwhile, Shukumar is a thirty-five year old student with no classes this semester.

We never talk much these days. Why? Shukumar always wanted kids, ever since he was one. I actually could do with out having children run around the house. I didn't want a single one, but I got pregnant. For him. It was torture! He was in class most days, leaving me to suffer through sickness alone. The only thing that got me through was remembering it was for him. This would make him happy.

He, of course, cared about me. He'd always come home and ask if I was okay and offer me medicine. I just lied and told him I was fine. I have always been a good actress. He never suspected my thoughts of secretly aborting the baby. Thoughts I never acted on.

Shukumar wasn't even there when the baby was born. I urged him to go to a conference in Baltimore. He was hesitant, since I was eight months, but I convinced him. By the time he returned, our baby was born dead.

I've never had a more traumatic experience. I had spent eight months in absolute suffering all for a baby I didn't even want! All for nothing! Even when my uncle died, I wasn't this upset. Shukumar was devastated, but he was trying to hide it for me. I wish he wouldn't.

He worked hard. The day I came home from the hospital, I found where he had scraped the pain off of the nursery we painted together. He made dinner and cleaned the entire house. This did nothing to stifle the coldness creeping over me.

I couldn't stop myself. I took everything down from all of the rooms in our house and piled it up in the front room. I stared at it. This is what we had worked hard to build together, but none of it seemed worth it anymore. I've never cried so hard.

That's when Shukumar and I started growing apart. I did extra hours at work, joined a gym, all to decrease my time in the presence of the man if let down. He did the same. He joked away in the nursery, the room that haunts me and I vowed I wouldn't enter. Now I have to enter it every night to tell him not to work too hard. There's no need for me to do so... I see him switch tabs when I walk in.

This was all six months ago. I've been looking for an apartment for three months.