Love Is a Bunch of Stupid Decisions

Chapter 22

I took another sip of coffee, taking a deep breath as my fingers returned to my keyboard. The coffee was lukewarm now that I had been sitting at my computer for an hour, but it was still exactly what I needed. I had just finished typing an email to my entire team about the results of our last Mean Girls campaign- and they weren't good. In other words, all of our work from the last two months was not enough, and we were going to have to step it up.

I rub my temples before hitting send. I hated being the bearer of bad news, letting my team know that we had 'missed the mark', so to speak. But I guess it all came with the job. I close my laptop, deciding to go find some people to visit with and decompress.

They're all at the theater which, as normal, is not far away. Since we'd just arrived in Providence and it was our first day on a new stage, they'd run all the transitions and technical things to make sure the show went smoothly. I stand in the back of the theater for a few minutes, looking around to see who I could find. I see Ben emerge from backstage, and I smile as I start to walk up to say hi. Then I stop in my tracks- Emily was with him.

Chill out, Charlotte. They're literally just standing next to each other.

I watch for a few more minutes as more and more of the cast filed on stage for their mini-rehearsal. I knew they couldn't see me since the stage lights were on, so I stayed quiet. Everyone did their typical warm ups, stretching and getting ready. Except for Ben and Emily, who sat happily in the corner, laughing and talking about God knows what.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I'm not sure what I was freaking out about. I guess there's just something about seeing your boyfriend so happy in another girl's company that makes your blood boil.

So much for visiting with my friends and decompressing from work.

Just as I'm about to leave, I hear my name being shouted from the stage. "Char? Is that you?"

My arms instinctively cross in front of my chest as I turn back around to the stage. Ben's voice, which was usually so comforting, for some reason made me cringe.

"How long have you been sitting there? We didn't even see you," Ben continues, laughing as I make my way up to the stage.

"Just a few minutes, I was just coming to see how things were going." I say, leaning on the edge of the stage.

He nods, clearly not sensing that anything was wrong. "Well, after rehearsal we're going to go get lunch somewhere. You in?"

Before I could even consider the option, the angry-Charlotte that was currently in my head shot the idea down. "I'm not going to be able to today, I've got too much stuff to do. Have fun though." Ben nods, a disappointed look on his face.

"Well, we'll miss you!" Emily chimes in from next to him. I smile at her despite how much I'd like to flip her off instead, not trusting my mouth enough to say anything in response.

I end up sitting in the audience and watching their rehearsal, since I can't think of anything else to do. It's not unbearable, and it gives me a little bit of time to chill out, which was desperately needed.

"You're sure you can't come out to lunch with us?" Ben asks again, both of us back in our hotel room after rehearsal as he gets ready to leave.

"I'm sure," I reply, my tone dry as I continue typing nonsense on my computer in an effort to look busy.

"Char, if you're mad, just tell me."

I sigh, letting a few moments of silence pass as my forehead rests in my hands. "I'm trying not to be."

"But you are. So tell me." I wouldn't say that he sounded annoyed, necessarily, but just done. I can't blame him, I would be done with how weird I've been acting lately, too.

"It's not you that I'm mad at," I continue. "It's just..."

"What?" He asks, impatience growing in his voice. "You don't have to protect me, Char. Just say it." My face grows warm as a lump forms in my throat. I hated that I could never argue with somebody without crying. "It's Emily, isn't it?"

I take a deep breath, my breath shaking much more than I'd like it to. I nod.

He sighs, a look of 'I knew it' on his face. "Don't you trust me at all?"

"You know I trust you. Why do you think I didn't want to bring it up? I don't want it to bother me."

"But it still does, so there has to be some reason."

"If I knew why it was bugging me, I would have brought it up," I shoot back, crossing my arms in front of my chest once more. "Why are you defending it, anyway?"

"I'm not defending it. I'm just saying it would have been nice to know if it was bothering you before you instead of having to figure it out myself, and before you started being passive aggressive to everyone."

"You know what Ben? You're right. It's all my fault. Go ahead and flirt with Emily in front of everyone. I'll just get over it and feel nothing."

He rolls his eyes. "There it is, passive aggressive again. Don't know what I expected."

I feel my entire body tense up, still unsure of why he was trying to make me feel guilty. I walk straight over to him, looking him in the eye. "If me and some guy acted like you and Emily do, you would hate it just as much as I do. Don't act like it's no big deal."

"At least I'd tell you about it."

I feel my throat start to burn again, and I force myself to keep from crying until he leaves. "Forget it, Ben. Your lunch date's waiting."

Without another word, he grabs his jacket and heads out the door.

The silence around me is startling, kind of like that instant feeling you get when you jump into cold water. I felt like my body was going into shock.

As usual, my brain replayed our conversation over and over in the time that he was gone. Even though it had just happened, I felt like I'd dreamed the entire thing. That wasn't the Ben that I knew, the sweet and caring Ben I had fallen in love with. I didn't even know who that was. It was just so strange how the exact fight that I was trying to avoid was the exact fight that ended up happening in the end. Sure, I may not have handled it well, I knew that. But did that make it ok for Ben to defend his behavior and make me feel guilty for not talking to him about it sooner?

People had warned me that things like this would happen on tour. Spending so much time with the same people and not being able to get away from them, paired with more work than I've ever had before, made for some make-it-or-break-it relationship stuff. I just figured Ben and I would have the willingness to work through it. Suddenly I wasn't so sure.

Without another thought, I start throwing all of my belongings into my suitcase. My bags were still mostly packed, considering we just arrived here today, so it doesn't take me too long.

I just needed a few days by myself to clear my head. A few days away from the chaos of the show and the same immediate group of people I've been with for months. I needed a new perspective, a deep breath. But most importantly, what I needed was a quick flight back to Manhattan. 

A/N: ope