Diary of an Emotional Asshole

Sunday, September 30

It's safe to say that it's obvious how important my sister is to me. Her and I would talk about my mom a lot.
My mom is . . . I don't even know what to say. She gets so angry for the smallest things. If my sister and I are laughing she'll get mad, but if she notices that my sister and I aren't talking. she worries that we're mad at each other. She does a lot of things that make me sad but I still like her. I'm sorry, I just can't say I love her if it's not real. I'm not writing this to lie, I'm writing this for myself.
      My mom has always yelled at me.  No matter what I do, no matter what day it is she will find a reason to yell at me.  She likes to have people think that we're best friends and that she does everything for me, but that's not true.  She only does big things for me so that she can use it against me later.  She doesn't do it just because she loves me.  It's happens all the time and people fall for it all the time.  Not me.
      I've mentioned before that I would stay up late to wait for my mom to come home.  I was scared.  I always thought I'd kill my self if I lost her.  Then I'd really have no one.  But it's to think that now when I realize all the pain she brings on me.  The one reason that I will never forgive is that she dates. 
       My dad died.  He didn't leave us for another family. He died.  That's how she and my older sister (not Louise) treat it.  My mom started dating TWO YEARS after my dad died.  Two years.  That's fucking ridiculous.  She's the reason why I've been wanting to die.  Just knowing that she could date so fast after my dad, who was the world to me, made me feel so hurt.  I was just a kid so I didn't even know how to talk about it.  I didn't think anyone would understand.  I know now that not everyone wants to understand. 
        Louise and I have talked about it.  We both know.  She said that my mom once made her meet the guy.  She told me how angry it made her.  My mom even told her how sad she was when he broke up with her.  The audacity of it all.  Louise told her that it hurts her and I.  That we don't want to be apart of it.  The thing is, that my mom is so obvious but if we ask her about her dating she gets offended.  Trust me, I've asked her if she was dating and she always says no.  It's sick. 
      I don't even know how many guys she's dated.  It had to be over four, in the last seven years.  I can't even count all the guys she's messaged.  It's absolutely disgusting.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Recently she's been talking to this other guy.  He lives an hour away, has kids, and was divorced.  I've met him before, not by choice. 
      So how is my mom obvious?  If she gets a call from a guy she's flirting with, she changes her voice.  It's gross.  She makes it sound light and slow.  It's annoying.  She'll turn her back to us if we're there.  If we're in a parking lot, she'll get out of the car to talk to them.  At home, she'll go to her room and lock the door.  It's funny how obvious she is, but she still has the nerve to say that she's never dated or flirted with guys. 
      She does this every time and she's doing it again.  There's this mall that is an hour away, and that's where her boyfriend lives.  I didn't know this, I thought we were going to go shopping and escape from my sister and her annoying boyfriend.  I love frozen yogurt.  So she asked if I wanted some and we went to it.  Then as we were going to cross the street to walk to it, she stopped in front of this guy.  I knew right away.  She had the nerve to say they were friends.  She had the nerve to takes pictures with him in front of me.  She had the nerve to tell me that they like to go there.  Most importantly, she had the nerve to make me meet him.  As if she doesn't know how much her dating hurts me.
        She wanted me to go out with them two times after that.  She wanted me to meet his son.  I don't know where she gets the nerve to do this.  I only know this because she said that we wouldn't go out with him because the son was with the step mom.  Why would it matter if the son couldn't go? Exactly.  Wanna know something embarrassing?  My mom brought over one of the guys she was talking to, to my grandparents house.  He didn't even say hi to anyone, just came and then left.  Never heard from him again. 
       I felt so stupid for waiting up at night for her while she was with her boyfriend.  She spent the night at his house.  She's done it before.  She goes out with him all the time.  When I make a face about it she just yells at me.  She says I never let her do anything.  She says I'm just like my dad.  I don't think she cares about what happened anymore.  I truly do.
       My parents always fought.  Louise says they'd probably get a divorce.  It doesn't change the fact that he died.  He loved me more than my mom ever could, so if they did get a divorce I'd choose him.  My mom would've said she didn't want me anyway. 
       I don't know how someone else sees this situation.  I'd be interested to know. 
      Relationships seem like the worse.  I've never been in one.  I think it's scary.  I have another traumatic experience for that though so I'll write about it next.  I'm not saying that lightly.  I'm tired of everyone trying to force me into doing something and when I tell them I don't want to do it they think I'm childish.  As if traumatic experiences are fake and for the attention seekers.  I feel like a lot of people have gone through traumatic experiences.  I hope I didn't trigger anyone.  I know it's hard to think about it even though something so traumatic is hard to forget.