P.T.J.C.C.S

Flashbacks

Potential trigger-warning for those suffering from PTSD.

Disclaimer: Don't own - that would be slightly odd.......and I'm pretty sure illegal......not real, blah blah blah.

*****

"Jet engines just aren't my thing."

That was an understatement. I don't mind being around them, or even hearing them (though there were times much earlier on where that did make my heart beat quite a bit faster than it should). But put me in a car with one just behind my head, with no control over anything - that's the bit that's making me sweat and my hands shake a bit at the moment.

Right now, I'm standing on a boat ramp, watching James and Jeremy drive our latest creation into a lake for a test run. This creation - thanks to an ingenious stroke of inspiration from the orangutan - has a jet engine mounted on the back of it. Jeremy says it's because - to break the water speed record - we need lots and lots of power.

Well, speaking from experience, those things will have a lot of power. And that's exactly why I'm standing on the bank and watching.

You could say that my previous experience with jet-powered cars would make me the ideal person to want this to work and be right in there and giving this a go. Well, you couldn't be further from the truth with that; I want nothing to do with the thing when Jeremy starts it up.

Which he has just done now. Oh God, that noise; that driving whine that still sends shivers down my spine - and not shivers of joy or anticipation anymore. They stopped being that at around 5:25pm on that September day more than ten years ago. When the noise switched from being exhilarating and exciting to one of the last things I heard.

Vaguely, I'm aware that the car has started moving, and Jeremy's turning up the power now - full thrust, another whine, more power. As if on autopilot, I start walking along the shoreline, watching closely for any sign of the car taking off as the power of the jet engine goes up to a hundred percent.

There's a small sense of relief when I see that the car's barely doing more than five miles an hour, but there's an even greater one when the sound of the engine cuts out and winds down at last. Finally, I can try to ease my heart into slowing down rather than trying to force it like I was barely ten seconds ago.

As James and Jeremy steer the car into shore, I'm trying my best to conceal the vestiges of fear and the ancient memories just flickering on the edges of my mind. By the time the car lands, I'm hoping that I look normal enough that the other two won't ask questions.

Somehow, I get away with it, and we end this part of the film with James rambling on with exactly what's wrong with Jeremy's "superb" engineering.

When Brian calls 'cut', and the cameras start to pack up, I walk over to the edge of the lake and sit down on the grass. I need a bit of time alone, try to get my head on straight again.

There are days when I hate what that crash did to me - actually, scratch that: I pretty much always hate what that crash did to me. But one thing I'm grateful that it didn't do was make me scared of driving. Let's be honest, I probably wouldn't still be here if it had; but the emotions and fear that were stirred up in me today brought back those worries I had before I got back into a car for the first time after the accident, and I don't know how to deal with them.

"Penny for your thoughts, Hammond?"

I jump at the sound of Jeremy's voice and my head swivels around on my shoulders, my own eyes meeting his for a brief moment as he smiles at my surprise. Beside him is James, who just regards me thoughtfully.