May 11, 2018 when a bomb explode in my mind, heart and soul. That bomb called "Patay na si Papa" bomb. I was with my sister abroad. I just got there for a 1 year vacation. He always told me before I leave Philippines that I will be back very soon. Akala ko kaya nya nasabi yun kasi mabobored ako or something like that. Yun pala may pahiwatig na sya.
He was diagnosed with lung cancer. Traydor kasi yang cancer eh. Hindi namin namalayan na meron na pala sya to think that he got an annually check ups. He used to go to my sister abroad together with my mom and being check by doctors is one of the requirement so akala namin healthy sya.
Then after I leave Philippines lagi na syang naaadmit sa hospital with no concrete diagnosis. Hindi matukoy ng mga doctor kung ano talaga. One doctor said that was just a sign of aging kaya sumasakit yung buto nya sa likod. Sabi naman ng isa kailangan operahan yung spinal cord nya. Then when they finally knew that it was a cancer dun naman bumigay si papa.
That day I went to a store na nagreremit. I was tranferring money for the hospital bill kasi kailangan lagyan ng tubo si papa. When I got home my sister called then ayun BooOmmM the bomb explode.
I feel like the world fall apart and my body shattered into tiny pieces. Wala na.. Wala na yung taong kahit anong gawin mo eh sususportahan ka although he is not vocal sa feelings nya but when he is drunk we always have a mass.. Lagi nya kami sinasabihan na magpasalamat sa lahat ng blessings na natatanggap namin from our sisters and brothers. Alam ko na proud na proud sya sa mga ate ko at pati na din sa akin. I was a scholar when I was in high school and college. Lagi nya kong pinakikilala sa mga barkada nya as "matalinong anak at scholar na anak"
Ang sakit lang kasi when everything starts to fall into right places someone will go. And that someone is my father.
Yung bunso namin na naggraduate last June sobrang hinagpis nya. She is the last one pero hindi na nahintay ng papa ko. We have a big family and all of us are already graduated with high profession. Achievement yun coz we always hear the negative comment of the neighborhood. Sabi nila magsisipag asawa lang daw kami kasi mahirap ang buhay walang pampaaral. Hahahaha. But we slap them with big pride and success. Yun lang naman talaga ang maibibigay mo as counterattack.
So lets get back to the story.. Medyo napalayo eh.. Hahahaha
So my sister booked a flight the next day. We really have to be strong and wait for the next day. I was crying all night reminiscing the day that i enjoy singing with my father(may videoke kami gift ng mga kapatid ko sa mama and papa ko) every saturday and sunday coz yun lang yung free time ko i was working that time. He always sets up the videoke kasi alam nyang yun yung bonding namin together with my bunsong sister. Tapos ilalagay nya lagi yung kantang "dance with my father" and now it strikes me as I remember that the song is for a father who leaves his family to go to heaven. Maybe may nararamdaman na sya dati pa. Dense lng siguro kami and we are not sensitive enough to knew that he is in pain.
Papa,
Kung na saan ka man ngayon always remember that we love you very very much and it hurts us that you leave so soon without us giving or paying back the hardships and sacrifices that you gave us.. Hindi ko man lang naibigay sayo yung gusto kong ibigay sayo. Isa sa reason kung bakit hindi ako naghahanap ng boyfriend is dahil andyan ka naman. You always makes me laugh and you make me feel that I am important. Paano na kami ngayon?
Hindi kita sinisisi kasi alam ko pagod ka na din. Gusto ko lang na malaman mo na hindi kita makakalimutan. Natatakot akong hindi ko na maalala yung boses mo. Baka kasi pag tumagal na wala ka baka makalimutan ko na. Yung mga favorite mong kanta lagi kong naririnig hindi ko maiwasang malungkot. Sa lahat ng nakakaharap ko lagi akong nakangiti laging nakatawa pero hindi nila alam na peke lang yun na I was just pretending to be ok kahit ang sakit sakit na. Papa I miss you so much. I wish that you are still here with us. Laughing woth us, singing with us, eating balot with us and syempre the silly dance that you always do. I love you Papa. I love you to the point na sobrang sakit tanggapin pero kailangang tanggapin. Thank you for giving us life. Thank you for the sacrifices for the hardships and thank you kasi proud ka sa amin. I love you Papa.
Your dearest daughter,
Monica(not my real name)
