Words I'd Never Say

I've Noticed Something

   I feel like I've been extra nonchalant lately. This is part of my vibe, because I don't care about what people think anymore or if they like me or not. But I've noticed my own frigidity, and I think I took this untouchable thing too far.
   I guess I'm a pretty open person. I know things and I'm self aware. I like problematic people. I like getting hurt sometimes. I like to get myself into situations to stress myself out. I like to stretch myself into things that will spike my probably undiagnosed anxiety. I know all of these things.

   I say I want a boyfriend but I know I have commitment issues. I know I'm scared as frick about the L word but I try not to let anyone know. I'm lowkey a freak. I have sexual fantasies that I end up beating myself up for. I'm tired. And I know all of these things.

   I am messing with someone and I know it's not right. I know. And I guess my humanity is tainted now. Things are different. I'm not the smiley little hopeful beam of light anymore, at least, I don't think so. I am a tired human, I've been stripped down to my naked core, and secrets leak from me just as much as my lies.

    Lies.... I tell them better now, but I won't tell anyone. They deserve better to know I've been lying for months.

Months... yeah. I guess it counts when you say you are fine all of the time. And when you laugh at something that hurts. Or maybe you just don't tell them things. Like sometimes you think about how nice it would be to drown and how serene it might feel to not have to be on earth anymore.

Earth... I want to leave. Take me to Saturn, where things are simpler. Take me to the moon, where things are quiet.

Yesterday, I finally said the things I haven't been able to say. And I was terrified. And I was shaking. And I couldn't even breathe.

To say that things were not good at all, and that  things from before still affect me. Remember one of the you's? The one that told me terrible things after I broke up with him? I still hear it. It's loud when life is quiet. It's loud when I am quiet.

   I'm tired, and not just physically. My soul is tired. I just want someone to kiss the bruises of my soul away. Because even if the days are amazing, I feel like I don't have the right to enjoy them.

I guess I'm not so open after all. And even though I'm insanely petrified still from what I said, I know that if I don't speak, then other people will go through the same thing, and I can't let that happen. Never let anyone hurt you. Don't build walls, don't socially isolate yourself. But never let anyone have power over you. Because you are brave. You are strong. You are tough and beautiful. You are sweet and kind. You are a kick butt person. You have flaws and you are human but you know what? It's all good. And if it isn't, never stay in the same spot. Keep moving, keep trying.

Take my mistakes as lessons darlings, please. Take my lessons as something to keep you safe.

And never take candy from strangers, unless it's Halloween and you are dressed up or something.

Still breathing...