Stay Strong: The Diaries of a Cutter. (On Hold!)

Chapter 10: Finally, Some Sleep.

Chapter 10: Finally, Some Sleep.

Pure blissfulness conquered my lightened mind. It was like floating in luke warm water, it was such a free feeling that replenished my soul and mind. There were no shadows, no darkness; merely a blinding white light that blanketed my limbs like ribons bandaging the wounds inflicted on my inner and outter self. There was no sadness or anger, or guilt; only a warm honey feeling consuming every nerve in my body; from head to toe. My mind was washed of all of the memories that haunted my dreams, all the terrors that were in every molecule of my thoughts. There was nothing but a warm, whiteness that seemed to rebirth my tattered and broken soul, mending it together with the warm honey that filled every inch my body. 

But that warm whiteness faded, bringing the blissfulness with it as my eyes slowly batted open to reality. As the blissfulness faded, I could feel the residue it felt behind. My body was limber like a rag doll, my head swung to the side uncontrollably to see Zane sitting at the side of the bed I was in. He used his knuckles as a pillow, his arm was resting on the arm of the chair, posing as a support beam. Zane was passed out cold, snoring softly with his feet kicked up onto the side of my bed. Even though he was asleep, he looked exhausted. 

"You're awake." I heard a soft feminine voice say from the other side of the room. I tilted my head over to see Jewles walking into the room with two foam cups, one with coffee and the other had a tea bag string hanging out of it. Jewles' long blonde hair hung down in longing ringlets. She looked three months pregnant at this point, she wore an aquamarine one shoulder blouse with a pair of white Capri's and chocolate brown sandals.

Seeing her smile at me as she came into the room, closing the door behind her, it made me attempt to sit up in the bed. It almost worked, I was angled upright but not exactly 'upright'. My eyebrows twigged together.

"What're are you guys doing here?" I asked in a raspy voice, it was sore and I could barely use it. Jewles frowned as she set the two cups down on the table, her brilliantly blue coloured eyes became sad. 

"Doctor Wallace called us and said that she needed to talk to us about your progress. Zane was still in Maine so he arrived at the house right away. I had to catch a ride with your Grandparents." 

"Wait, Gran and Gramps are here?" I was shocked at the fact that Doc Wallace called my brother and Grandparents. Jewles nodded and came over to my bedside, taking my hand gently. My head spun through the memories of what happened before I woke up. 

Tears poured from my eyes as I read the letter my Granddad wrote for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel when I read the last part. Am I supposed to feel guilty of relieved? He wants me to call him if I decide to off myself again. He wants me to say Good-Bye to him before I end my life. I don't want to call him but I know that he'll be expecting a call from me when I get out of here, he'll expect me to call him to say Good-Bye. 

I tossed the letter aside and slithered off of the bed; I paced back and forth from one side of the room to the other. My heart was gunning inside my rib cage. I felt overwhelmed by guilt. I was doing this to my family because I'm scared of being left vulnerable. My fingers tangled and knotted in my hair as I choked on my sobs. My head was jammed packed with thoughts that I couldn't process at once. 

When Holly came into the room, I left and quickly strode down the hallway to the tiled bathrooms. I closed the door and paced around, pulling at my hair as I sobbed. I felt so guilty for doing this to my family. I felt so guity for making them think that I'm merely a body with no soul, that I died the day that Brighton died. 

I stopped dead in my tracks when I looked up to see a reflection of pure horror. My heart became ice, letting freezing cold blood pump through my veins. I saw a girl with dull brown hair, it matched her lifeless face. Her skin was pale and violently bare but her eyes, those charcol black eyes were the dullest things I've ever seen in all my life, even with tears spitting down her pale cheeks. She didn't look human.