Chaotic Perfection

Chapter 1

I have depression. It's an illness. It's not a shadow that you can get rid of if you step into the shade. It's more like a warm blanket but instead of it comforting you it's strangling you 24/7. It defines you until you decide that it shouldn't. It defines me. It has for years now.

Life is funny. Isn't it? It destroys you and rewards you without notice. It leaves you guessing and questioning your existence. And it tests you as if you were some experiment. I don't know why I have had the challenges I've had but I do know that there are more to come. I don't know if I can handle them. I can try though.

At school I'm an outcast. I stand out from the normal crowd. People seem as if they are scared of me. I've never done anything to anyone. Maybe my black attire and my large frown does it. I don't have really any friends. I pushed them away. Never knowing if someone loves you does that. You don't know what love is and when you are on the receiving end of it you're confused. I was confused. I had friends. A large group actually. We all weren't that close until I became closer with one girl. We helped each other. Until she gave up on me. That same day I gave up on myself. I had no one to run to. Well my mom, but she was too happy for me.

My mom is the total opposite of me. We have nothing in common. She looks at life like it's a happy thing, I look at life like it's not.

Events and occurrences change people. My broken friendship with Ariana Goodwin definitely changed me. I was semi happy when we met and while we were friends. After she left me I became depressed.

As I said before depression is an illness that defines me. I don't why things played out the way I did. Maybe I'll never know. I could be the one at fault. But how could one girl that meant that much to me just give up. That question played through my mind all day and all night.

"Lana, Lana are you okay?" A soft voice breaks me from my thoughts. Oh. It's just my therapist. I always zone out during this shit.

"Yeah I'm fine." I look at my nails as if there's something wrong with them.

"I think that we need to start another antidepressant, but I'll talk to your mom when she gets here."

"You do realize that putting me on more drugs isn't going to make me any less crazy than I already am."

"You're going to get better. I can assure you that." Dr. Rachel Walters remarks subtly.

"Mhhmmm." We sit in silence until my mom gets here. It's something that always seems to happen the last ten minutes. Therapy sucks. So bad. My mom walks in seconds later with the biggest smile on her face.

"So how'd it go Dr. Walters?" Her smile grows bigger by the second. Ugh.

"Well about the same as last time. I wanted to talk to you about a second antidepressant that does a little more." They talk about this stupid drug as if it's hope. Like it's gonna work and I'm healed. Thank Jesus for this holy pill that will solve all my problems. I zone out of their conversation about it because it sickens me.

"Ya ready to go Lana?" My mother asks happily.

"Fuck yes." I glanced at her. Her frown that forms shows that she disapproves of my word choice. Oh well.

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We climbed into the car and I immediately turned up the radio. My mom looks at me sternly and turns it down.

"So how do you think it went today?"

"Same as everyday, god!" I sigh.

"Lana the only reason you're going is because I care about you. I don't want you to end up like your father."