Love Is a Bunch of Stupid Decisions

Chapter 23

I had expected my sweet New York City to feel like a breath of fresh air. I had expected to walk into our apartment, the one that I hadn't been to in months, and feel like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. Seeing home again was supposed to feel like a million dollars, like a massage or a bubble bath or every other relaxing thing. I was home again-- shouldn't I be relieved?

Instead, I couldn't even make it to the kitchen table without crying.

Because of course, everything here reminded me of Ben. In my mind, New York City did not exist apart from him. He was what made NYC my home, because he was my home. All of the peace and relaxation and clarity that I was expecting to feel the second I walked in the door was replaced by confusion, sadness, and sheer anxiety.

The panicked phone call from Ava came at around 4:30. So much of me didn't want to answer it, since I was trying to get away from everything and everyone tour-related for a while. But I suppose it was only a matter of time before she called. "Charlotte? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I reply instinctively, even though judging by the 'sweatpants and ice cream for dinner' vibe I was currently giving off, I was nowhere even close to fine.

"Ben just told Sky and me what happened, so I checked your location and you're home... which tells me you're definitely not fine."

I groan. "So what if I'm not fine?"

"Because how am I supposed to hug you and eat ice cream with you until 2 AM if you're not here?"

My sadness gives way to appreciation for a moment, wishing I could be there. "I'm sorry Ava, I think I just needed a little bit of time away from Ben and the show and everything. I needed to clear my head or something."

"It's ok, you don't need to apologize. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably do the same thing," she says.

"Did I overreact, Ava? Is this all my fault?"

"Based on what Ben told us, I think he's the one at fault. Trust me, you should have heard Sky and I yelling at him. You didn't do anything wrong."
I take a deep breath, feeling slightly more reassured that I wasn't an obsessive, jealous girlfriend. "Just as soon as I felt like everything went back to normal, this happens."

"Do you think you guys are going to be ok? You and Ben, I mean?"

"I don't know. I feel like I'm the one that always has to track him down and talk through it and make things better. I mean, I always thought we'd be able to work through anything, but I'm just not sure anymore."

"Well, I guess there's only one way to find out." She says, hinting at the fact that I needed to come back on tour.

"I know, I know. I'll fly back out tomorrow night or something. Thank you, Ava."

"No problem, Charlotte. Call me if you need anything."

Once we say goodbye, I go right back to my ice cream dinner, letting a million different thoughts rattle through my brain. What had made Ben act so defensive? Why did he feel like it was ok to flirt with Emily and then make me feel guilty about it? Was this even the same Ben I knew before? Were we ever going to stop having these stupid fights so that we could go back to the Ben and Charlotte that everybody knew?

The sleep I get that night is not near the amount that I need. I'm too busy playing out every possible scenario in my head. I could get back to the hotel tomorrow and find Ben just as distraught as I am currently, broken and apologetic for his actions. I could go back to find him without a worry in the world, going on as if I had never left, and as if everything was fine. And of course, everything in between. But two things were for sure- I was done with Ben and I acting like five-year-olds, and I was done with feeling guilty about things that weren't my fault.

Before I fly back the next day, I decide to stop into work and say hi to Amanda. She looks pleasantly surprised to see me, obviously not expecting to see me when I am supposed to be in Providence right now. "Charlotte? What are you doing here?"

"Just made a quick trip back home. I'm headed back to Providence today but I figured I'd stop in and say hi!"

"Well grab some coffee and sit down, how are things going on tour?"

"They're good," I say, pausing for just long enough for her to tell that I'm lying.

"'Good', huh?" She echoes, sipping her coffee.

"Well, I guess they could be better. But they're not terrible."

"And are we referring to the actual show, or to Ben?"

"... Yup."

She laughs, and I sit down next to her with my coffee. "Well, I guess that's to be expected. You both have a lot on your plate right now, that's for sure."

"I never imagined it'd be this stressful. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's just so much." I wasn't sure why I felt the need to divulge all of these emotions to my boss, but I guess I had to talk them through with somebody.

"Charlotte, the position you're in right now is usually filled by someone who's worked in the field for years. And you're brand new to it all. Of course it's going to feel like a lot. But if you want to take a step down for a while, I can't blame you at all."

"But I know that I can do it," I respond, not wanting any pity or sympathy just because Ben and I were fighting.

"I know that you can, too. But just because you can handle all of this stress, doesn't mean you should. Especially if it's coming between you and Ben." I sigh, letting her words sink in. Nothing in my entire being wanted to step down and let someone else fill my position, but she had a valid point. "How about this," She continues. "You pick someone from your team to be your assistant. Kind of like your co-captain. Someone that you know can handle more responsibility. Let them take some of the weight off your shoulders."

Slowly, I start to nod. "I think I could do that."

By noon, I'm on a flight back to Providence. I wasn't even gone for 24 hours, but it was enough to give me some of the clarity that I so desperately needed. Even the plane rides help calm me down a little bit. Seeing the world from up so high definitely helped put things in perspective. All of the tiny people I saw out my window, driving their tiny cars and working in tiny buildings, made me feel so... tiny. Yes, my problems sucked, but life was going to go on and the world would keep spinning.

I was ready to do what I had to do to make things work with Ben. But that also meant facing the reality that if he wasn't willing to fix things, this could actually be the end.

Ava's the first person I run into once I get back. She's waiting in the lobby, which probably means she was checking my location again. She leaps out of her seat when she sees me, running to give me one of those 'almost knock you over' hugs. "I am so glad you're back! Tour isn't the same without you," She squeals.

"Thanks, Ava... Have you seen Ben?"

"He talked to us this morning and it sounded like he was starting to get sick. I think he went to lay down for a little bit before show, if he's even able to go on tonight."

"Ok, I think I'm going to go see him. I'll talk to you later?"

She nods and waves me off as I get in the elevator. "Hey," She says, making me stick my arm out to stop the elevator door from closing. "Good luck," She continues, smiling hopefully. Nerves started to take over as I smiled back at her, and I start reminding myself of everything I thought through last night- stay strong, don't cave, stick up for yourself.

All of those things became simultaneously became much more complicated the second I opened our hotel door.

It was clear to me from the second I walked in the room that Ben really was sick. He was curled up in bed sleeping, his nose a bright red with a near-empty tissue box near him. The room smelled distinctly of VapoRub. I could completely understand why he had decided to come back to the room and take a nap. What I couldn't understand? Why the same brown-haired girl that had caused our entire fight was curled up next to him, sleeping just as peacefully.

A/N: Awwwww shit

Hi I'm sarah and my habits include making everything ok and then making everything totally not ok every time i write. also cliff hangers. those are a habit