Love Is a Bunch of Stupid Decisions

Chapter 24

A/N: I promise I'll try to update more frequently! I owe ya'll an update for leaving you on that cliffhanger though so here you go lol. much love. 

If I wasn't angry as hell, I would have felt awkward watching Emily stumble out of our hotel room, still half asleep but filled with fear once she realized the reality of the situation. The room was weighed down by silence as Ben and I stared at one another, trying to figure out what was happening in the other's mind.

"You'd better have one hell of an explanation, Ben."

He stared back at me, a million emotions showing in his eyes. Guilt, fear. It was all there. His mouth was open, his lips parted like he was going to start speaking, but he had nothing to say.

"I'll go first then," I speak, the cadence of my heartbeat loud in my ears. "I came back from New York to tell you that I talked to Amanda. She and I decided that it might be best for me, and for us, if I step down into a less-stressful position." He takes a deep and shaky breath, his eyes beginning to water. His calm demeanor confused me- he wasn't defensive, he wasn't apologetic... just silent. "I was coming here to apologize for how impatient and passive-aggressive I've been lately. I came here to make things right." 

I waited for several seconds, part of me hoping that he would tell me that it wasn't what it looked like, that there was something I'd misunderstood, that he hadn't just cheated on me. But he continued to be silent. "Ben, say something. Please tell me that it wasn't what it looked like. Please tell me that it's just a big misunderstanding and that everything is going to be ok." I did my best to swallow the lump in my throat that seemed to be growing with each passing second.

I watched a tear fall down his face, passing the light freckles that I had grown to love so much and the lips that I had kissed on city streets, in dressing rooms, on hotel beds. His voice wasn't much more than a whisper, the sound of someone who's trying not to cry. "I can't."

I hear myself laugh in disbelief, unsure of what to think. "That's it?"

"Look, Char--"
"No. You don't get to call me 'Char' anymore. I never want to look at you again. I never want to have anything to do with you ever again." I hiss, emotionless as I start rushing around the room, grabbing the few things that I'd need to make it through the night.

"Where are you going?"

"Anywhere but here. I'll sleep in Ava's room. Maybe that will give you time to think of something to say."

Have you ever watched a movie that made your heart sink? The kind that makes you want to fast forward through all the sad parts? That's exactly how life felt at the moment, but there wasn't a button to fast forward to the part where I'm ok. Instead, I was laying on the bed in Ava's hotel room, crying. Not the cute kind of crying, the hysterical, near-hyperventilating kind. Ava was doing what she could to comfort me, listening to the parts of the story that I could manage to get out. There's a knock on her door after a few minutes, and she gets up to answer it. I can't see the door from where I'm at, but I know it's Ben. Even when I desperately wanted to forget it, I'd recognize his voice anywhere.

"Ben, look, she doesn't want to see you right now. Ok?" Ava explains, which I'm grateful for.

"Ava, you don't understand. I need to talk to her." His voice was more panicked than it had been earlier.

"Ben, you don't get to tell me what I 'don't understand'. Clearly you don't need anything from her that bad. Why don't you go talk to Emily instead?" Even in my hysterical sadness, my jaw still dropped at the sass that Ava threw at Ben. I heard the door close, and she came back wearing a proud smirk.

"That was pretty badass," I laugh, wiping tears off of my face with my sweatshirt sleeve.

"I guess I went into momma bear mode," She laughs. "Is there anything else I can do to help you right now?"

"I think I should probably just try to sleep. I'll think better in the morning. Thank you though, Ava," I smile, giving her a hug.

"Anything for you," She says, smiling back. I guess I was pretty lucky to get to call this girl one of my best friends.

Every morning when I wake up, there's a few seconds of half-consciousness where I haven't really processed life yet. Today, that was actually the best part of my day. From the moment where I started to remember everything from yesterday, it just went downhill.

One thing still remained the same. I still wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Seeing his face in my mind made my stomach turn. Imagining the way he used to say my name made my entire body cringe, as if it were nails on a chalkboard.

As I started to wake up more, I could hear Ava talking on the phone in the bathroom, probably assuming that I was asleep still. I couldn't tell who she was talking to, but it was probably Sky. "Yeah, she's with me. Have you talked to Ben? ... I know he wants to talk to her, but she's not going to want to see him. She just needs a little more time." I groaned at the thought of having to ever hear him out, listening to whatever lie he managed to make up. "Yeah, I can be ready in half an hour. I'm just going to make sure she's ok before we take off... Ok, see you soon." A few seconds later she comes out of the bathroom to find me sitting up in bed. She gives me one of those pity-smiles, sitting on the edge of the bed. "How are you doing?"

"I guess I'm still breathing. That's good, right?"
She laughs. "Look, I was just talking to Sky. Ben was up all night in hysterics because he wanted to explain everything to you so bad. I know you still need some time, but do you think you'd want to talk to him? Just hear him out?"

"If you walked in on your boyfriend in bed with another girl, would you want to hear him out?" I ask, the vision of them still too clear in my head. Ava's face sinks. "Ok, I'll think about it. But I'm doing it for you, not for Ben."

"What do you mean you're doing it for me?" She says, chuckling lightly.

"Because you, and Sky, for that matter, shouldn't have to be twisted up in all this. I don't think I could ever really repay you for everything you've done," I smile.

"Awww," She coos, leaning in to give me a hug. "Sky and I are going out to breakfast in a bit, but when I come back, we can have a totally cliche girl's day. Sound good?"
"That sounds perfect," I smile. Before long, she's gone, and I'm left all on my own.

I grab my phone, seeing that Ben had called 14 times, leaving a handful of messages and texts. His name showing up on my phone was more than enough to make me feel sick, so I throw my phone on the bed, deciding to take a hot shower instead.

As expected, more tears came in the shower. One thought consumed my mind. Why wasn't I good enough? Clearly I wasn't, since the second I'm out of his life for more than a few hours, I come back to find him with another girl. I guess it was stupid of me to think that, after years of people making me feel like I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or fun enough, I would find someone who thought differently of me.

I was stupid to think he was different. I was stupid to think he was the one.

Ava and I's 'cliche girls day' is filled with snacks, movies, face masks, and wine, which serves as the perfect distraction from the chaos that currently consumed my life. It's Monday, which meant that the cast had the day off, most of them hanging out together somewhere in the hotel or going out to see what the city had to offer. Ava and I, however, were more than content watching Miss Congeniality while practically inhaling caramel corn. We vow not to talk about boys at all for the night, instead having some of the most random conversations ever-- embarrassing moments from when we were 7 years old, stories from when Ava was a teenager living on her own in New York, and plans for all the things we'd do in my hometown. By the end of the night, after having laughed more than I have in months, I feel like a brand new person. I still didn't know what I was going to do about Ben. I didn't know what the next day or week or month would bring. But I knew that I had some of the best friends in the world by my side and a job that I loved, and most importantly, I knew that life would go on.