We settle in the stands as we prepare for the game to start. My once joyful mood suddenly disappears and leaves emptiness. My face feels somewhat crooked. I look around the stands, I look at the smiles. I feel myself frowning but trying to do anything else is uncomfortable. Trying to smile feels twisted as my face reflects what I feel inside. Smiling is lying but I must for this crowd. No one cares about what's inside. It's what you look like that counts. In this case it's the presentation of the show. A depressing color guard does not do well with the judges.
No one wants to talk to you if you frown. That's just how it is. In pleasant situations where smiling is inevitable, I only show a small shift in my lips. Like a joke that I can't help but give a little smile. There's a weight on my face. It's almost like I can't do anything else but look sad. Finally when someone notices something isn't right, they ask: "Are you okay?"
I wish I could say I was okay. I wish I felt okay. I give a little smile and nod in response. My smile is clearly not convincing and my nod is anything but enthusiastic. I wish they saw it. They just nod back and say "okay". It's not okay. It's never okay.
The next day we depart for a competition. The experience was great and the result better. But on the bus ride home everything changed. It was like a switch flipped and all lights currently shining went out. No power left to illuminate the darkness. I try to talk, I try to laugh and smile. I try to ignore this gut wrenching silence in me. But my mind is the exact opposite. I ramble and ramble in my head and it won't stop. The others I talk to just wave me off because they are in a conversation and I'm not wanted. I'm never wanted. One of the other guard members asks if I want to listen to music with her. I oblige and she soon leaves the seat to talk with her friends. I'm left to listen to this sweet love song. Every flowery, sugary lyric carved a deeper, darker hole in my chest. I fight tears building behind my eyes. Now's not a time to cry. My seat partner returns and notices my silence.
Again: "Are you okay?" I repeat my gesture from the day before. I don't want to seem convincing, I don't want to seem "okay". Im tired of lying. I'm tired of faking being fine. I want attention. I want someone to notice. But then they would just get depressed over my depression. I don't want to ruin their day or moment. Not like they would care. I'm worthless and annoying. I'd just be more of a hindrance.
Finally: "Are you sure?" I don't want it to come off as desperate or attention seeking so I try to deny my depression once more. She falls silent at my response and I give in.
"I just... it's just when I said that song got me in my feels, I meant a different kind of feels than what you mean. It was a love song. Listening to it made me think that— that song could never be about me. No one would ever feel that way about me." Silence. She says nothing but when her attention is brought to another guard member sitting close she was no longer silent. She begun laughing and smiling— forgetting all about me. I am again reminded that I am not wanted. She just sat with me so she could sit next to the guy she likes. She never wanted to sit next to me. I divert my gaze to watch the world outside zoom by the bus window. There's a warm feeling behind my eyes that signals the presence of unshed tears. There's a cold feeling in my chest yet it doesn't feel cold. I feel trapped inside my mind, watching the world go on around me. Smiling, Laughing, I can't do either but my friends can. I hear it all. I see my friends having a grand experience with their friends. I'm ignored, like always. Forgotten. They surround me with gleeful expressions when all I have is an empty one.
Nobody wants to talk to me. I'm either too much or not enough to be qualified. I feel like an outsider, isolated. Like an immigrant that has to work in order to be accepted. But even then, I'm not accepted. The warm feeling becomes stinging and spreads to my nose. I feel myself breaking and I can't stop it. I cry silently so no one notices.
