I've had a rough life, I'd say. I'm only a college freshman, but I feel like I've been through enough and I don't want to try anymore.
I feel like all I'm doing here is bothering people. There is seriously nobody that I am genuinely close to because when I get close to somebody they find out about my life and then they don't want to be friends anymore.
I have had too many problems and I'm just tired of dealing with them. I don't want to deal with anything. I wish I could be substituted for the victim of a car crash or a fatal disease instead of that person's life being taken. I don't have anyone that I'm close to, and sure if I died/killed myself people would say "Oh, thats a real shame, how sad", but there is nobody that I'm close enough to that would legitimately GRIEVE or cry over it.
If I felt that, I would hurt someone badly then I wouldn't do it — but I know for a fact that won't be an issue.
I get upset and drive around in my car for hours on end on the highway, just going back and forth, trying to make myself speed up and then sharply veer off the road and into a ditch. That's my plan for doing it because that's the only way I can do it in private and without risking injury of anyone else (I'd even do it at night when there's nobody on the road, though I WILL go into a ditch far away from buildings/other cars/anything else).
It's gotten so bad lately that I just drive around considering it every day. It doesn't even feel like a big decision anymore, just a matter of when is the right time.
I can't afford any type of counseling seeing as I'm a college student (broke) and my parents don't believe in depression and all of that — not that I'd ever tell them anyway. They know nothing about me.
Honestly I don't even think I'm going to make it to Christmas, I'm just tired of my life and I feel that I'm stuck in the same circle of people that dislike me so much and I can't get out of it. I don't have anything to look forward to in my life, and I'd really rather just die. I just need to find the willpower to do it already — there's no point in waiting another week or so.
Nobody else listens to me.. and the one or two that do could care less.
