below the surface →︎ trans peter parker

four

i put my earbuds in my ears and hit play. panic! at the disco is now blasting into my ears. sometimes there's dull days where spider-man's abilities aren't needed every minute. so i sit on top of a building, eating a sandwich and listening to music.

sometimes, most times, when i'm bored i like to think about what life would be like if the biggest things in my life never happened.

what if i was cis? life would be easier.

what if i was never bit by that spider? life would be easier.

but maybe i don't want easy.

i mean, i want to be cis. why the fuck would i not want to be cis? but spider-man can be a real handful sometimes.

like, a normal kid my age sits around and plays video games, watches movies, goes out with friends, and other shit like that. and yeah, i do that. sometimes, but juggling a normal school life and life as an avenger is not easy.

how am i supposed to do normal teenager stuff and also save the city from maniacs?

but i also think about... with my powers, if i just sat around a didn't use then for any good, it would be like a bird walking instead of flying. i have the potential to do something good, but i just ignore it? that would be stupid.

at this point, who even knows what imm talking about anymore. not me. these little chats with myself are confusing me too.

i shoot out a web at the building across from the one i'm sitting on and glide in the air.

and then i get home.

and you're probably thinking "which home?", as if i had more than one. yeah, i live with the avengers, but my home is in queens with aunt may.

she's been with me through everything. she'll always be my home.

i stand in an alley behind a dumpster and quickly change out of my spidey-suit and back into regular clothes before walking into the apartment building and taking the elevator up to the right floor.

i unlock the door and walk in. aunt may's sitting on the couch watching tv. she looks so alone, sitting there by herself. it makes the guilt of leaving her sink in.

after uncle ben died, even when i was still there, i could see the loneliness in her eyes. she was never the same after that night.

i still remember the way she looked at me the night of the funeral happened...

-

"aunt may?" i said as i walked into her bedroom.

she laid on her bed, clutching a pillow in her arms. it was ben's pillow she was hugging.

she hadn't taken off her dress from the funeral yet. i wondered if she could ever bring herself to do it.

i heard her sniffle before she turned to me, wiping her eyes.

"yeah?" she said.

"i, um... i just wanted to check up on you." i said, walking further into the room.

"oh, i'm ok." she said. she wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. a tear fell down her cheek. she quickly wiped it away.

"you keep saying that but... i know you aren't. i mean, come on, you're sitting here wiping tears while they still fall and you expect me to believe you're fine?" i said to her. she looked down.

"i just... i don't know how to do anything without him." she said. i know she saw the confused face i had on when she let out an empty sigh and smiled.

"he was my person. he was the person. he kelt me going in life. peter, if i had to take care of you all on my own, hell, i couldn't have. i would've told your parents to find someone else. but ben... ben was so warm around everyone. he's been my other half since before you were even born. its like, its like one of my lungs died. he was my source of air, peter. he was half the heart pumping blood in my chest. and i can't do it without him. i can't survive with out him peter."

"aunt may... you can. i know you can. you can do anything-"

"i can't! i can't, i just fucking can't! i can't breathe without him! he was my life! i can't exist without him! i can't penny, i just fucking can't!" she yelled.

penny.

she hasn't said that in years.

i turned around to started walking out, but then catch myself.

she just lost her other half. if i left her, that would be the most selfish thing i could ever do in my whole life.

"peter, please i didn't mean it. i-" she started. but she was too late.

i had already spun back around to run and hug her. i hugged her as tight as i could.

"it's ok. it's ok." i said to her. she started crying again.

not regular crying, she started to sob.

"please don't leave me peter. please don't leave me, ever." she said.

"i would never." i said to her.

we stayed like that for a while.

-

"hey." i said as i shut the door.

she must've not heard the door open as she gasped loudly and put her hand on her chest.

"peter! you're not supposed to be here!" she said, a smile growing wide as she got up and ran to hug me.

"i know but i figured i'd come see you while i had nothing happening." i said, hugging her back.

we sat down on the couch together and she lowered the tv.

"i hope i wasn't interrupting anything good." i said.

"oh yeah, i'm gonna have to ask you to leave while i watch big brother reruns on tv. it's pretty important and interrupting is really messing up my life right now." she said sarcastically. we laughed together.

i missed this. i missed sarcastic may, i missed sitting on our ratty old couch with her and doing basic people things. hell, i missed big brother reruns with her.

sometimes, the little things are what keep most of us alive and happy.

and the little things are exactly what i need right now.