Am I happy? Thats been on my mind the past week or so. Maybe two weeks. Okay, the past month. I mean, everyone goes through points in their lives where happiness is questionable. For example, what makes me happier: a beautiful, sunshiney day, or an overcast, rainy afternoon? Both are great. When the sun is shining and there's a wonderful breeze, I can go outside and play with my dogs, or just lay about and forget everything. But when its raining, and my blinds are up and my window is open, I can curl up in my bed with a book, or a scary movie and just pretend sadness doesn't exist. That's why I'm questioning my happiness. Because on one hand, I have one thing in particular that makes me very, very happy. It makes me so happy every time I see it, I smile and my heart thumpity thumps. But. There's another thing. And this thing, oh this thing. God. When I see this thing or hear this thing, I don't just smile. I burst. I feel my grin splitting my face almost in two, and my heart doesn't just thump. It pulses. Its like the drums of a thousand weird band kids going crazy after a touchdown at a high school football game. Pretty specific, I know. But I don't know how else to describe it. The problem I'm having, is one thing, is fine. Its okay. Its safe enough to where I'll be fine if I lose it. But the other thing, I've already lost. In so many ways. But specifically one thing. And when I lost this thing I broke. The second thing..is dangerous. Its almost like riding a motorcycle in a thunderstorm. But the adrenaline I get from this thing..is addictive. But they clash. These things..they aren't like yin and yang. They are like a car accident if you put them together. But...the second thing. That's my yang. Or...at least I think it is? I crave happiness. And these things make me happy. But am I destroying myself trying to be happy? Or am I destroying these things? Fuck if I know.
