"The stability is temporary," i tell myself everyday, hoping and wishing it is not as i say it is. The calmness is only the calm before the inner turmoil of storms and pressure leaks beneath the surface. I try my hardest to remain positive, but slowly i dip one way or raise another way and i fall off my hinges or i slam into the ceiling.
"This sadness won't last for ever," i try and convince my breaking heart. I have made up my mind that i am not worth any ones time anyway. I only wake up to work. I eat alot, and then i don't eat for a while. I shower less frequently, and i almost never brush my teeth. This will go on almost endlessly. One day i will wake up and the sadness seems like a dream.
"lets take on the world-do the dishes-go shopping-i can be broke-" and the thoughts go on endlessly. It goes on over and over again. I do my best to focus on one thing or another, but it all flows together. I start a dozen things i know i will never near completion with. I talk so fast even i do not understand. I barely sleep compared to normal, maybe if I'm lucky ill get 4 hours of tossing and turning. I panic sometimes and other times i am so content with my safety i do dangerous things just to test if danger is real.
These sides of reality are similar in one aspect, they all come on randomly. Sometimes one will be distinct or other times i will have a mix of them attack me. I do my best to linger in the doorway of stability. The sadness and happiness gets overbearing but calmness seems so still and lifeless it is almost painful and stiffening. My alters are not affected in quite the same way as i am by my moods. They have their own moods and ways of thinking, but when i am sad, it puts a damper on them, and the more energetic i am, the more joyful they seem to be.
